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When a stripper learns the exact date of her death from a mysterious patron, she seeks to tie up the loose ends and find meaning in her life.
I think using the phrase 'finds meaning in her life' is a little easy. I think you need to write what she is going to be doing which will indicate finding meaning and when we see the film we will understand her finding it through her actions relating to her arc. At the minute we have no real journeyRead more
I think using the phrase ‘finds meaning in her life’ is a little easy. I think you need to write what she is going to be doing which will indicate finding meaning and when we see the film we will understand her finding it through her actions relating to her arc. At the minute we have no real journey. It is important to establish her with a weakness and that she finds out her death date (which you have kind of done) but then she needs to do something which has to be completed before she dies in order for her to find meaning. Could it be to patch up the relationships that lead her to become a stripper? Has a punter always wanted her and it’s not until now she realises she wants him, despite him being against her type? You can indicate her understanding her life through actions.
See lessWith a touch, Lissa can see one's true love, just never her own. When Skeptic Magazine sends their top reporter to interview her, will she dare to fall in love again?
The line doesn't really make sense. The second line starts as if something big will happen when Skeptic Magazine come to see her and then it dwindles out to 'will she dare to fall in love again?' That part doesn't really go with the opening of that sentence. Also you've written 'will she fall in lovRead more
The line doesn’t really make sense. The second line starts as if something big will happen when Skeptic Magazine come to see her and then it dwindles out to ‘will she dare to fall in love again?’ That part doesn’t really go with the opening of that sentence. Also you’ve written ‘will she fall in love again’ but never mentioned in the log line that she was ever in love. I’m presuming she will fall in love with the reporter?
I think you need to rewrite it so that we know who Lisa is (you’ve done this well in the opening line), if love has hurt her before than let us know. Then move on to being interviewed (I take it she is a celebrity for it) and then twist it that from touching the reporter she can now see her true love (maybe), and then he’s married. (again maybe). I don’t know enough of the story to give a lot of detail but I think these are the sort of elements you need to get across as at the moment it doesn’t tell us enough to hook us in.
Hope this helps
See lessJohn always used his clairvoyance as a crutch but when he sees himself killing an unknown woman, he must escape the crosshairs of the all-seeing organization KEN.
I was going to say this rings Minority Report in my head so like debbiemoon says you need to add something that makes yours stand alone. I would also like to know a bit more about this organisation. Yeah they're all-seeing but is that a good thing or bad? Are they like a security organisation or areRead more
I was going to say this rings Minority Report in my head so like debbiemoon says you need to add something that makes yours stand alone. I would also like to know a bit more about this organisation. Yeah they’re all-seeing but is that a good thing or bad? Are they like a security organisation or are they a mob of gangsters who have different motives? If he can see the future would he not see how to outrun them also? I think we need to know more about the organisation to really understand what is going to happen.
I also see what debbiemoon is saying in the ‘two bits of magic’ vibe. For me the film Looper lost its way when it introduced telekinesis because it already had me believing time travel existed and bringing in another piece of improbability made me question it. If, in your movie, they all have the same power, where they all once part of the same organisation? Are they connected?
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