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A devastated 14 year old girl and her seemingly psychotic brother hoping for a better life with their affluent father after he won a divorce proceedings discover that his home turns out to be a prison of misfortunes in which they have to find a means of escape.
I think you need to strip the opening line down to simply two siblings, perhaps with a one word description to show their relationship, and then say 'move in with their affluent father but discover that.....' I'm not really sure what prison of misfortunes means and it does sound like unfortunate accRead more
I think you need to strip the opening line down to simply two siblings, perhaps with a one word description to show their relationship, and then say ‘move in with their affluent father but discover that…..’ I’m not really sure what prison of misfortunes means and it does sound like unfortunate accidents occur in the house as opposed to anything really sinister. Is he holding them captive? Is he hiding a terrible secret?
I’d also look at rewording some of it as you have used three words when one is needed, such as ‘discover that his home turns out to be…’ this could simply be ‘discover his home is.’ Try condense the information and give the readers a clue as to what the issues they will be facing inside the house. We get the story but it is all too vague.
See lessNot finding any success in the self help and fitness books, a guy goes into a magical store and is given a remedy that works but comes with challenges and side effects that he wasn?t prepared to confront.
Yeah think we need to know what some of the issues he will be facing. Also his motives for using the magic store other than being overweight. Has a woman turned him down due to it causing him to try lose the weight? DO the side effects effect relationships or him internally? I can see connections toRead more
Yeah think we need to know what some of the issues he will be facing. Also his motives for using the magic store other than being overweight. Has a woman turned him down due to it causing him to try lose the weight? DO the side effects effect relationships or him internally? I can see connections to The Nutty Professor. He was taunted so devised a potion and the side effects were ‘Buddy Love’. Perhaps use an example from The Nutty Professor to help you structure it.
See lessA neurotic writer struggles to deal with two failing relationships between his difficult criminal brother, who he breaks out of prison, and his psychotic wife.
I think what debbiemoon is saying is right. In the log line you've written it sounds like he has already broken his brother out of prison or that it is a small job. If the story is about him breaking the brother out whilst trying to patch up problems with his wife, you should write it more how debbiRead more
I think what debbiemoon is saying is right. In the log line you’ve written it sounds like he has already broken his brother out of prison or that it is a small job. If the story is about him breaking the brother out whilst trying to patch up problems with his wife, you should write it more how debbiemoon suggests as it implies the relationship building with his wife is interrupted because he has to break his brother out of prison.
I’m intrigued to know all the relationships and how they connect. Could it be that his psychotic ex-wife gives him a deadline to patch up their relationship in an unreasonable way, whilst at the same time he has to break his brother out before he is placed on death row? He then has the dilemma of which one to go for. I’m sure he will try both at first but I presume he helps his brother which could ultimately make him realise his wife isn’t worth his time??
I think you have something there but the log line doesn’t give us much at the moment. The ‘who he breaks out of prison’ needs to be reworded as at the minute it sounds minimal and shouldn’t if that is what the story is about.
Hope this helps
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