1. Posted: November 5, 2012In:

    In a long-suffering hockey town, the most vocal caller to sports talk radio must to turn all his talk into action when the team's frustrated owner decides to make him general manager.

    Kriss Tolliday

    Is this going to be a comedy? At the moment all I have in my head is a Kevin James style comedy.I feel like it needs a big twist in there as it seems like it has been done before. Is this guy going to be a bit of an idiot and there is no way he can be a coach? Is he more of a fan of baseball and dueRead more

    Is this going to be a comedy? At the moment all I have in my head is a Kevin James style comedy.I feel like it needs a big twist in there as it seems like it has been done before. Is this guy going to be a bit of an idiot and there is no way he can be a coach? Is he more of a fan of baseball and due to being old and senile he has been calling the wrong show for years? Could they think it is a man but it is really a woman?

    The story is there but there isn’t much to make it stand out from the rest and fell it needs some hook or twist with the caller. Hope this helps

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  2. Posted: November 2, 2012In:

    With an entire school held captive, a doctor must relive a traumatic childhood that may solve the mystery behind the sadistic madman that threatens his daughter's life.

    Kriss Tolliday

    I think it works as a tagline as does give us a protagonist, antagonist, goal and stakes. I just think it needs a better hook which as Erik says could be how they are connected, perhaps it could be subtly hinted at. It does work but reads like there is a little something missing that will make it tiRead more

    I think it works as a tagline as does give us a protagonist, antagonist, goal and stakes. I just think it needs a better hook which as Erik says could be how they are connected, perhaps it could be subtly hinted at. It does work but reads like there is a little something missing that will make it tighter but overall it is a good effort.

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  3. Posted: November 1, 2012In:

    There is a company that can reset your life. If you don't feel like you have succeed in life you can just reset your life.

    Kriss Tolliday

    You've used the word 'life' way too many times. In two sentences its been used three times and also in the title. Change them as it reads oddly. It also doesn't tell a story and more like an advertisement for a company. Need to know a protagonist and why they have decided to use this company and whaRead more

    You’ve used the word ‘life’ way too many times. In two sentences its been used three times and also in the title. Change them as it reads oddly. It also doesn’t tell a story and more like an advertisement for a company. Need to know a protagonist and why they have decided to use this company and what will happen to them. So far it gives us very little.

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