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When his fiance is kidnapped by a Fire-Demon, a timid janitor must locate a mythical artifact and uncover its power before the Devil kills his lover and unborn child.
You have told us the story and the stakes so we know what is going to happen and what it is about although it just seems a little flat and reckon you could spice it up a little bit with some more exciting words as although I understand the premise it doesn't particularly excite me. In terms of telliRead more
You have told us the story and the stakes so we know what is going to happen and what it is about although it just seems a little flat and reckon you could spice it up a little bit with some more exciting words as although I understand the premise it doesn’t particularly excite me.
In terms of telling us what it is it works but just work on what will grab our attention.
See lessAfter her inability to cope with her husband's death imbues her with the power to kill with a touch, an unassuming farmer must stop a trio of fundamentalists intent on recruiting her as the fourth "horseperson" of the apocalypse before they can implement their plan to end life on Earth.
Something doesn't quite read right in the first line. Feel like their are too many words that confuse it, perhaps remove 'her inability to cope' and simply put 'struggling'. Although I still think that there is a way that it can be cut more and tightened. The second half is the more interesting piecRead more
Something doesn’t quite read right in the first line. Feel like their are too many words that confuse it, perhaps remove ‘her inability to cope’ and simply put ‘struggling’. Although I still think that there is a way that it can be cut more and tightened. The second half is the more interesting piece of the story so think we need to get to it quicker. Could it not open with, ‘When a grieving woman discovers she can kill with a single touch……..’ and then go straight into the point of being on the run from the horsemen wanting to recruit her?
Its an interesting idea and certainly original.
See lessWhen the world?s #1 hacker contracts a digital virus created by the omnipresent MegaCorps, he must rise up and bring down the system he has been leeching off for so long.
Much better and more to the point but wander if you just need to state that the virus is deadly? Just add a 'deadly digital virus'. Then it just shows that they are after his life and not just his computer files, if you see what I mean. Other than that it is much better. Good job
Much better and more to the point but wander if you just need to state that the virus is deadly? Just add a ‘deadly digital virus’. Then it just shows that they are after his life and not just his computer files, if you see what I mean.
Other than that it is much better. Good job
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