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An insecure motivational speaker must walk a narrow line when he and his girlfriend are kidnapped by an inept super villain and forced to help conceive a plot that will guarantee him a seat on the council of super villains.
This feels too long now. I would perhaps get rid of the 'walk a narrow line' as doesn't really tell us anything specific. Could it be that, 'When an insecure motivational speaker's girlfriend is held hostage by an inept super villain, he must comply to the villain's requests in the hope of getting hRead more
This feels too long now. I would perhaps get rid of the ‘walk a narrow line’ as doesn’t really tell us anything specific. Could it be that,
‘When an insecure motivational speaker’s girlfriend is held hostage by an inept super villain, he must comply to the villain’s requests in the hope of getting her back.’
I’m not sure if this line helps but it tells us the story to know what this protagonist’s journey is and give us the stakes which are his girlfriend. I don’t think detailing that the villain wants a seat on the council of super villains, I think that can be held back, especially if you are running out of words.
Hope this helps.
See lessAn insecure self help guru is blackmailed into helping the newest super villain in town when he kidnaps the guru's girl friend.
I agree with Karel here, we need to know what it is he is going to be doing and how he could potentially get himself out of the situation. What we have here is like a build up to the inciting incident but we need to also know the process of the lead character's journey.
I agree with Karel here, we need to know what it is he is going to be doing and how he could potentially get himself out of the situation. What we have here is like a build up to the inciting incident but we need to also know the process of the lead character’s journey.
See lessThe leader of a fourteenth century Scottish whaling village must seek out and do battle with a whale many times larger than any he has ever seen in order to ransom back his son from the occupying English.
I would make a few minor changes to this in that I would open with 'When the leader of a Scottish whaling village's son is kidnapped by the English he must...' This way we understand his plight from the offset in that he wants his son back. By bringing that up at the end we can't understand why he wRead more
I would make a few minor changes to this in that I would open with ‘When the leader of a Scottish whaling village’s son is kidnapped by the English he must…’
This way we understand his plight from the offset in that he wants his son back. By bringing that up at the end we can’t understand why he would face certain death but by giving him empathy at the beginning we instantly understand why he would take on these obstacles. The story is then of him trying to get back his son with this giant whale in his way where as the wording of the log line suggests it is about a fight between man and whale.
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