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A young man in his 20’s believes to be the actual ghost of Jim Morrison, using the body as vessel, he sets forth on a journey into the heart of the desert where he believes to find a ‘Gateway to Heaven’.
For starters I like the title, its quirky, a bit lie that new film coming out 'John Dies At The End'. I think these titles are intriguing. Now with the log line my initial problem is I know very little about The Doors so I'm unsure if 'Gateway to Heaven' is an in-joke of one of their records or someRead more
For starters I like the title, its quirky, a bit lie that new film coming out ‘John Dies At The End’. I think these titles are intriguing. Now with the log line my initial problem is I know very little about The Doors so I’m unsure if ‘Gateway to Heaven’ is an in-joke of one of their records or something? f it isn’t then it makes less sense as why does he believe a gateway to heaven is in the middle of the desert? Can I ask why Jim Morrison? Why not a fictional rock star?
The story is apparent but for me it doesn’t quite connect, again this could be my poor knowledge on the subject (sorry), so I think it needs to re-worked. Also does this character’s personality make him want to be Jim Morrison? If so describe him better than just a young man in his 20’s. I personally wouldn’t put ‘young man’ and ’20s’ because we get that from the young man. Is the young man dead? Is he a ‘young wannabee rocker’?
Hope this rambling helps I had better do some research on The Doors!
See lessWhen the bosses lady catches her husband cheating, she plots her revenge and takes him out, but when a silent witness comes forward and a bounty is put on her head she must escape the bloodshed.
I think all you need to open with is, 'After catching her husband cheating, a (insert protagonist) plots revenge...' The opening you have here is quite long and doesn't need to be. Also 'must escape the bloodshed' doesn't keep in tone with the rest of the line. It sounds like this means huge shoot oRead more
I think all you need to open with is, ‘After catching her husband cheating, a (insert protagonist) plots revenge…’ The opening you have here is quite long and doesn’t need to be. Also ‘must escape the bloodshed’ doesn’t keep in tone with the rest of the line. It sounds like this means huge shoot outs and lots of deaths but if bounty hunters were after her they may do it silently to go unnoticed, hence no bloodshed. Does the witness go to the police? Why is a bounty put on her head, was her husband a powerful man? The line feels slightly jumbled and you need to highlight what the story is. Is it the revenge for cheating or the being tracked down for his murder? Whichever one it is needs the more attention in the line.
See lessWhen a lost young man's mind is filled with memories of fallen heroes, he races against a dark mystic to find a powerful ancient relic that can save the realm or plunge it into darkness.
If that's the case then it is the wording that needs sorting. Richiev's line makes more sense because it links the vision to the relic where as in the original line it says he has memories and then goes to find a relic. In Richiev's line he establishes a connection between it all so if he is correctRead more
If that’s the case then it is the wording that needs sorting. Richiev’s line makes more sense because it links the vision to the relic where as in the original line it says he has memories and then goes to find a relic. In Richiev’s line he establishes a connection between it all so if he is correct in his thinking then take from his line as it flows nicely.
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