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When a girl falls in love with an alien, she must fight to stop the government and developers from destroying the lake that keeps him alive. This is a mixed genre – Thriller/Sci-Fi/Romance.
I'm only an amateur at this, but personally, I prefer your original. "when a girl falls in love with an alien...' is a great starting hook and immediately caught my attention. "... fight to stop the government and developers from destroying the lake that keeps him alive." ... clearly shows the antagRead more
I’m only an amateur at this, but personally, I prefer your original.
“when a girl falls in love with an alien…’ is a great starting hook and immediately caught my attention.
“… fight to stop the government and developers from destroying the lake that keeps him alive.” … clearly shows the antagonist and what is at stake.
The revisions are good, but I don’t think are anywhere near as catchy as the first.
By bringing in other elements like “her strange genetics” and “Government mercenaries” I feel just clouds up the logline, while the original was crisp and simple.
… at least in my opinion.
See lessWhen an anxious recluse agrees to take his cancer-fighting friend on one last adventure, he doesn?t bank on having his beliefs, loyalties and survival skills challenged when she falls fatally ill.
I should point out, this is a logline as revised by a professional reader. I'm curious to hear what others think. I personally think it's too long.
I should point out, this is a logline as revised by a professional reader. I’m curious to hear what others think. I personally think it’s too long.
See lessTo repay a debt, a gravedigger is forced to use his cemetery to cover up mob hits, but when the law leans on him, he must work both sides to avoid prison… Or worse.
My first impression was to chuckle to myself at the premise. Seem that there is a lot of room her for fun. I did hope for the gravedigger to have more at stake, perhaps something more personal.
My first impression was to chuckle to myself at the premise. Seem that there is a lot of room her for fun. I did hope for the gravedigger to have more at stake, perhaps something more personal.
See less