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When an undertaker?s lover dies, he decides to end his own existence, but makes the surprising discovery that he is apparently immortal.
This is a good setup for the premise but tells us nothing about your story. In fact, the undertaker finding out he's immortal when he tries to take his own life can be considered the inciting incident and that's only 10-15 pages into your script. What happens for the other 80-90 pages? If you can fiRead more
This is a good setup for the premise but tells us nothing about your story. In fact, the undertaker finding out he’s immortal when he tries to take his own life can be considered the inciting incident and that’s only 10-15 pages into your script. What happens for the other 80-90 pages?
If you can fill in the blanks for the following logline elements, you’ll have a better draft of your logline:
protag = undertaker
antag = ?
goal = ?
stakes = ?
hook = he’s immortal (?)
Good luck!
See lessA grieving, self-righteous Vigilante must confront a fatal error before burying his hatchet in the killer of his son…
Per Geno, you're still holding back on the hook, which is the father being responsible for his son's death. And it doesn't add anything to your logline to pile on the adjectives. To me, "bury the hatchet" implies a horror film. Is this a horror story? My attempt: When a grieving father learns that hRead more
Per Geno, you’re still holding back on the hook, which is the father being responsible for his son’s death. And it doesn’t add anything to your logline to pile on the adjectives.
To me, “bury the hatchet” implies a horror film. Is this a horror story?
My attempt:
When a grieving father learns that he was unwittingly responsible for the death of his kidnapped son, he takes matters into his own hands and tracks down his son?s killer.
Best of luck!
See lessA smart, new classy version of an old west historical tale that has never been told, between a well-dressed clean man of small stature and his dirty giant brutal enemy with a personal vendetta;of which takes place in a large alluring and immaculately clean gambling hall and infamous brothel, where heaven and hell plays about.
A never before seen historical vendetta" - cut this out. Although this particular story has never been told, western vendetta stories are as old as the hills. Plus, it's taking up valuable character space. "inside the walls of the elegant white elephant gambling hall and infamous brothel" - is thisRead more
A never before seen historical vendetta” – cut this out. Although this particular story has never been told, western vendetta stories are as old as the hills. Plus, it’s taking up valuable character space.
“inside the walls of the elegant white elephant gambling hall and infamous brothel” – is this a contained action/thriller? If not, leave out.
“where heaven and hell merge” – cliche and meaningless, plus muddies up the genre. Is this a metaphorical or literal statement? Is this a supernatural western? Is this your hook?
You’re being really vague and coy about your story – all I know so far is these two characters are going to clash but I don’t know why. If you don’t tell us why, it’s hard for us to be interested.
This isn’t your story but here’s what I mean:
To avenge the death of his wife, a professional gambler tracks her killer, a corrupt US Marshall, to the dusty town of [insert name] and wages a war that takes the townsfolk by storm.
You?ve got:
Protag = gambler
Antag = US Marshall
Goal = avenge his wife?s death
Stakes = guilt/remorse
Still missing a hook though – what makes this unique/different from other western revenge stories?
See less