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  1. Posted: July 27, 2012In: Public

    Picked for a top secret military mission, an elite female sharpshooter team have twenty-four hours to assassinate one target, with only one shot?in the deadly mountains of Afghanistan.

    fejumas
    Added an answer on July 27, 2012 at 11:24 pm

    Clintpittenger - this is a great logline, well done! Cool gender twist and intriguing hook (assassinate with only one shot). Also, I don't know how nitpicky you want to get with definitions, but: "The main difference between a marksman (or sharpshooter) and a normal sniper is that a marksman is usuaRead more

    Clintpittenger – this is a great logline, well done! Cool gender twist and intriguing hook (assassinate with only one shot).

    Also, I don’t know how nitpicky you want to get with definitions, but:

    “The main difference between a marksman (or sharpshooter) and a normal sniper is that a marksman is usually considered an organic part of a team of soldiers, whereas regular snipers tend to work alone or with other snipers. In the military, marksmen are sometimes attached to an infantry squad where they take accurate long-range shots at valuable targets as needed, thus extending the reach of the squad.”

    So, perhaps “sniper” is the more correct term? The only tweaking I would suggest is a little wordsmithing and word arrangement:

    Selected for a top secret military mission, an elite female sniper team is dispatched to the deadly mountains of Afghanistan and has twenty-four hours to assassinate one target… with only one shot.

    You can streamline it even more and leave out the first part without losing any impact:

    An elite Army Ranger female sniper team is dispatched to the deadly mountains of Afghanistan. Their mission: assassinate their target with only one shot.

    Don’t like the double “their” but just brainstorming…

    If you’ve already written this script, I’d love to read it: motmata @ gmail.com.

    Cheers,
    Monique

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  2. Posted: July 24, 2012In: Public

    ?Appalachian inbreeds homestead a beautiful- but occupied- house in Beverly Hills, terrorizing and slaughtering the family, until one of the children escapes, turning the tables on the killers.?

    fejumas
    Added an answer on July 24, 2012 at 5:23 am

    (Sorry for the double post.) I feel the title is a little bit at odds with your logline ? Beverly Killbillies? sounds like a dark comedy, maybe grindhouse, but the logline is definitely not comedic. Deliverance meets I Spit on Your Grave. I?d totally watch this. Inbreeds? is a verb, so maybe inbredsRead more

    (Sorry for the double post.)

    I feel the title is a little bit at odds with your logline ? Beverly Killbillies? sounds like a dark comedy, maybe grindhouse, but the logline is definitely not comedic. Deliverance meets I Spit on Your Grave. I?d totally watch this.

    Inbreeds? is a verb, so maybe inbreds? is more appropriate? Homestead? tripped me up too ? brought to mind visions of farming? Thoughts of children being terrorized and slaughtered gives me the ickies. Is the protag really a child or more of a teenager?

    Appalachian inbreds break into a Beverly Hills mansion, terrorizing and slaughtering the family one by one, until one of the children escapes and gives the killers a taste of their own medicine.

    or

    When Appalachian inbreds break into his Beverly Hills home and terrorizes his family, the eldest son/daughter escapes and turns the tables on the home invaders.

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  3. Posted: July 20, 2012In: Public

    The Toodyay magistrate hates the name Moondyne Joe; he steals his food giving it to the poor. Ruby loves Joe, the witch Vixana likes Joe. Police long for the day they capture Joe. Good on yer, Moondyne Joe.

    fejumas
    Added an answer on July 21, 2012 at 3:13 am

    You've actually made my point - I don't want to have to google any element of a logline to decide whether I want to read the script. And it's a pretty good bet that I'm not the only one that feels this way.

    You’ve actually made my point – I don’t want to have to google any element of a logline to decide whether I want to read the script. And it’s a pretty good bet that I’m not the only one that feels this way.

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