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A gangster keen to keep street credibility and protect his boss who wants to go legit will do anything including killing the bosses son.
This logline fails to describe a plot as it lacks an inciting incident and goal. What does the gangster want to achieve specifically? He wants "street cred" but what does this look like? What does it mean? A second problem is that there are two potential goals mentioned "...keen to keep street crediRead more
This logline fails to describe a plot as it lacks an inciting incident and goal.
What does the gangster want to achieve specifically? He wants “street cred” but what does this look like? What does it mean?
A second problem is that there are two potential goals mentioned “…keen to keep street credibility…” and “…protect his boss…” which one is his primary goal that will drive him to take action in the story?
The description of the boss wanting to “…go legit…” is redundant as it is the inner journey goal of the boss not the main character.
Lastly why does he now need to keep his “street cred”? What made him need to do anything at the start of the story? What is the inciting incident?
Hope this helps.
See lessA Nuclear Physicist turned to iron while saving the planet from destruction is shunned and betrayed by the world he saved and now seeks his revenge.
The logline is too vague in its descriptions. What does "... shunned and betrayed by the world..." mean in specific detail? What does it look like? This is the inciting incident and needs to be clarified in such a way that the cause and effect relationship with the goal is clear. "...now seeks his rRead more
The logline is too vague in its descriptions.
What does “… shunned and betrayed by the world…” mean in specific detail? What does it look like?
This is the inciting incident and needs to be clarified in such a way that the cause and effect relationship with the goal is clear.
“…now seeks his revenge…”, in what way does he seek revenge? What will he be trying to achieve specifically?
This is the goal and needs to be described clearly so it is understood what the main character will be doing for most of the film.
Hope this helps.
See less?When a rookie undercover officer mistakenly finds himself admitted to a college that trains criminals, he will have to play a balancing act in order to please his superiors and prove he's one of the guys.?
Your intentions of adding plot thickeners, in my mind, add confusion. Best to simplify it to a single clear sequence of events. What is his single goal? What are the stakes? The notion of keeping some of his actions secret form some of the characters and some of not shouldn't be in the logline at alRead more
Your intentions of adding plot thickeners, in my mind, add confusion. Best to simplify it to a single clear sequence of events.
What is his single goal? What are the stakes? The notion of keeping some of his actions secret form some of the characters and some of not shouldn’t be in the logline at all. Let that develop as a derivative of a well constructed plot in the outline or treatment.
See less