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London freezes and collapses into ruin; the few who survive find a trail leading them to corruption on the highest scale: The disaster didn?t kill them, but what they find just might.
What DPG wrote. This line lacks the crucial detail needed to describe a plot and sounds more like a tag-line than a logline. The last sentence "...The disaster didn?t kill them, but what they find just might..." needs to be cut as it adds no detail or clarity to the story and concept. For the next dRead more
What DPG wrote.
This line lacks the crucial detail needed to describe a plot and sounds more like a tag-line than a logline.
The last sentence “…The disaster didn?t kill them, but what they find just might…” needs to be cut as it adds no detail or clarity to the story and concept.
For the next draft try starting the logline with the specific and unusual event that causes the freeze as appose to the generic description of the resulting natural disaster.
Hope this helps.
See lessA woman whose mother was murdered when she was a child of twelve, is now, fifteen years later, working as a detective and still pursuing her mother's killer, who, it turns out, is closer than she thinks.
"...the inciting incident for her to look for the murderer of the current victim, who also murdered her mother..." I personally find the mother's murder far more interesting and compelling as an inciting incident than finding new and similar clues. Ask yourself this; what would matter most for the MRead more
“…the inciting incident for her to look for the murderer of the current victim, who also murdered her mother…”
I personally find the mother’s murder far more interesting and compelling as an inciting incident than finding new and similar clues.
Ask yourself this; what would matter most for the MC, her mother or a stranger? I promise you that the sudden and unexpected death of a parent is by far one of the more significant events in a young person’s life.
When you pin this event up as the backdrop to finding new and similar clues in a modern crime scene the later comes across as weak.
More so the psychology involved in the subject matter would make it conceivable that this is not the first time the MC “chooses” to see similarities between her mother’s murder and another person’s.
It begs the question; Is there a genuine connection between the two murders or are her personal feelings influencing her judgment?
I’m not saying this is the case but because of the circumstances there is an element of doubt.
Good inciting incident leave no doubt and propel the character to take action.
See lessA woman whose mother was murdered when she was a child of twelve, is now, fifteen years later, working as a detective and still pursuing her mother's killer, who, it turns out, is closer than she thinks.
The problem with the mother's murder as the inciting incident is that it happens off screen and years before most of the story takes place. Unless this is changed to make the story follow the daughter from the mother's murder, through police academy to promotion as a detective and finally to the oneRead more
The problem with the mother’s murder as the inciting incident is that it happens off screen and years before most of the story takes place.
Unless this is changed to make the story follow the daughter from the mother’s murder, through police academy to promotion as a detective and finally to the one clue that sets off her renewed chase. The impact and therefore motivation from the murder will be lost on the audience.
This epic journey could be cut down with either a prologue or montage but not sure that would have the same effect. Or make the mother’s murder happen much closer to the time of the story after the daughter became a detective.
As previously suggested a choice needs to be made; if the goal is to catch the killer then the timing of the murder needs to change or the scope of the story needs to change.
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