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A retired homicide detective must figure out why everybody below the age of 65 have died at their computers, which are all running a pointless game where avatars are stalked and killed by a monster. To make matters worse there’s nobody left to run the nursing home, food is running out, and Mrs Everett needs to go to the bathroom.
This logline is confusing because it has many elements that are not directly connected through a clear cause and effect relationship and seam incidental to the plot. Simplify the structure by omitting anything that is not crucial to the story. Main character is the old detective but what is his goalRead more
This logline is confusing because it has many elements that are not directly connected through a clear cause and effect relationship and seam incidental to the plot.
Simplify the structure by omitting anything that is not crucial to the story. Main character is the old detective but what is his goal? Is it to stop the death of more people under 65? Is it to catch the killer? Is it to prevent retirees from being killed?
When the logline specifies everybody under 65 is this in his nursing home or in his country or around the world?
Point is the inciting incident needs clarification and needs to be described in less words. For example;
After all people under 65 around the world drop dead a retired detective must?
Hope this helps.
See lessWhen a heartbroken virgin is seduced and humiliated by a movie star she decides to take matters into her own hands.
Hell have no fury? Good motivation that most people can identify with the description of the inciting incident needs simplifying though, perhaps; After breaking her heart a virgin must? Seducing and humiliating is less effective because the reader has no context for the humiliation was it in public?Read more
Hell have no fury?
Good motivation that most people can identify with the description of the inciting incident needs simplifying though, perhaps; After breaking her heart a virgin must?
Seducing and humiliating is less effective because the reader has no context for the humiliation was it in public? On national TV? In private? Point is the kicker was that he broke her heart it is painful, personal and poignant.
Her goal needs to be specified, how will take matters into her own hands? It is the nature of this goal that will make this an interesting story because it will differentiate it from the many other stories about vengeful women with broken hearts.
Hope this helps.
See lessIn an apocalyptic winter filled with zombies, Juliet is on a rampage to kill Romeo at all costs.
The main character is Juliet this is clear and her goal is to kill Romeo this is also clear. As these are two well known characters and have a pre established contrasting dynamic to your story this becomes an action comedy so the genre is clear again also good. However the crucial elements that makeRead more
The main character is Juliet this is clear and her goal is to kill Romeo this is also clear. As these are two well known characters and have a pre established contrasting dynamic to your story this becomes an action comedy so the genre is clear again also good.
However the crucial elements that make up your story have a vague cause and effect relationship.
What made Juliet want to kill Romeo? what was the event that started her off on the journey to kill him? What is the inciting incident that motivated her to need to achieve her goal?
Once you have a clear and simple explanation and answer to the above questions, the story could make for a great comedy.
Hope this helps.
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