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A burglar gets revenge on drug dealers for past addictions keeping it secret from his D.A. brother; however after his brother?s daughter dies he has psychotic hallucinations that push him into suicidal undertakings as a vigilante.
The first half of the logline seams unrelated to the plot and can be taken out of the logline. If the story starts after the niece dies then that is the inciting incident and should be at the start of the logline. Problem is there is no clear goal specified, what is it the MC must achieve or else? ARead more
The first half of the logline seams unrelated to the plot and can be taken out of the logline.
If the story starts after the niece dies then that is the inciting incident and should be at the start of the logline. Problem is there is no clear goal specified, what is it the MC must achieve or else?
Also I don’t understand how the death of his niece would cause him to experience “…psychotic hallucinations?” and further to that how “…psychotic hallucinations?” wold necessarily cause him into being a vigilante. What is the direct cause and effect that makes one happen as a result of the other?
Lastly if he is a hallucinating, psychotic, vigilante with suicidal tendencies I find it hard to empathise with him and want to see him succeed. He sounds F’ed up and in need of help sure but certainly not a hero worth rooting for.
Hope this helps.
See lessA recently divorced doctor and an entrepreneur facing an existential crisis, form an unlikely partnership and take the help of earthly wizards to overcome the trials of life.
A divorcee, an entrepreneur and an existential crisis sound like an interesting mix with potential for comedy, not sure that was the intention though. However the logline is confusing because of incorrect grammar and confusing plot structure. Is there a need for a dual protagonist? Who is the main cRead more
A divorcee, an entrepreneur and an existential crisis sound like an interesting mix with potential for comedy, not sure that was the intention though.
However the logline is confusing because of incorrect grammar and confusing plot structure.
Is there a need for a dual protagonist?
Who is the main character?
What is the inciting incident?
What is the goal?
What are the obstacles?
And what is at stake?
Use the answers to these questions to re draft the logline because the story is too vague to comment on at the moment.
Hope this helps.
See lessWhen a women?s prison workgang is attacked by 19th Century demon possessed, private-school girls, the head prisoner must destroy them to save the new inmate.
Some of the examples you gave align with a MC that has questionable morals but some of your examples didn't. Regardless just as you can list many examples that work on the premise that the MC of a story has questionable morals. There are more examples of the opposite and in fact if you look back thrRead more
Some of the examples you gave align with a MC that has questionable morals but some of your examples didn’t. Regardless just as you can list many examples that work on the premise that the MC of a story has questionable morals. There are more examples of the opposite and in fact if you look back through the last 3000 years of story telling the number of MCs with questionable morals is far less than MCs with the opposite.
As I previously SPECIFICALLY wrote you are reducing the appeal of the story, nobody said on this post that the story won’t necessarily work.
Also as previously mentioned unless you are an established writer with several produced scripts under your belt you are better off structuring a story with a greater chance of selling. This means making it about a character with a greater chance of appeal to the audience.
Other wise you are getting hung up on one issue and ignoring the rest. The antagonist description is unclear and as such the obstacles are not immediately clear. For a (quoting Snyder) Monster In The House type of film the monster needs to be very clear and the dangers immediately understood.
Are all the inmates in danger or just one?
Additionally the MC description is unclear as “head prisoner” is not a widely understood term. What is her inner flaw? What about her and her struggle will be more interesting than any other MC fighting a supernatural being?
In my mind the goal is still too narrow for a MC the stakes will rise and the story easily improve if she were to need to save the whole work gang instead of just one inmate for herself.
See less