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A dogged photo-journalist who is one of seven witnesses to the death of a young woman gradually exposes the thin veneers of the six other people interwoven in the dead woman?s life and the powerful man that killed her.
What does exposing look like? What does exposing mean? Expose to whom? Will he or she publish stories in newspapers? In magazines? Online? Will he or she shoot a documentary about the killing? Investigate and report to the police? Etc... Because the list of options is long "exposing" becomes too vagRead more
What does exposing look like? What does exposing mean? Expose to whom? Will he or she publish stories in newspapers? In magazines? Online? Will he or she shoot a documentary about the killing? Investigate and report to the police? Etc…
Because the list of options is long “exposing” becomes too vague to describe a specific goal and action which means the logline doesn’t describe a main action the MC will take or specific goal he or she will pursue.
If the inciting incident is the death of the young woman the logline needs to specify it as such i.e:
After the death of a young woman the main character must…
Journalists see many atrocities over their career even if this one hadn’t prior to this event why does he or she need to find the killer? It isn’t their job and there are no personal stakes for them in the murder how is this crime different to the many others for him or her.
Lastly the six other whiteness of the crime seam unrelated to the story, how do these characters progress the plot? How will they present an obstacle for the MC to over come?
See lessCurrently the logline could do with out them.
When told to deliver a package to a vicious mob boss, a desperate young Christian woman steals a car and finds herself menaced by a deranged truck driver pursuing her car across country roads, forcing her to devise a plan that would save her and her little brother held by the mob boss from death
The structure of this logline is working against it. Bring the death threat to the start of the logline and specify one antagonist; either the mob boss or the truck driver, other wise there are two loosely connected potential plots in the one logline. Also, young, is a poor description for a main chRead more
The structure of this logline is working against it.
Bring the death threat to the start of the logline and specify one antagonist; either the mob boss or the truck driver, other wise there are two loosely connected potential plots in the one logline.
Also, young, is a poor description for a main character as it is too vague and generic to impart any discernible characteristics that describe an inner journey or potential conflict.
Assuming the mob boss is the bad guy how about:
After receiving a ransom demand for her brother by a viscous mob boss a christian woman must travel through hostile gang lands to deliver a package to the gangster’s rival in order to save her brother’s life.
Hope this helps.
See lessAfter the death of his niece, an alcoholic thrill-seeker has psychotic delusions, coercing himself into vigilanteism.
The story is unclear because the plot is vague in the logline made wors by the lack of a clear cause and effect relationship between the story elements. How does the death of his niece motivate the main character to become a vigilante? The connection between the two is unclear, is it because he wantRead more
The story is unclear because the plot is vague in the logline made wors by the lack of a clear cause and effect relationship between the story elements.
How does the death of his niece motivate the main character to become a vigilante? The connection between the two is unclear, is it because he wants to get revenge on her killers? Is it because this is the only way he can stop other children from dying? This is a crucial part of the story and needs to be specified.
Secondly the main character description is vague because he is an alcoholic and a thrill seeker and has psychotic delusions. Each one of these descriptions doesn’t necessarily enhance the others they just add seemingly unrelated characteristics to the same character.
Less is so much more when it comes to character description so what would be the best single description to use for the MC that will pose as a problem for him to achieve his specific goal?
Lastly what is his goal?
Hope this helps.
See less