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When his research lab risks beign shut down, a passionate scientist and his nerdy intern build a believable fake AI, but they need to pass a series of tests to be taken seriously while unscrupulous corporations want to take possession of the invention.
The concept has drowned under too much detail and back story. You have obviously considered many of the elements and structured the back story extensively which is a good thing. However now is the time to discern what belongs in the back story and what belongs in the story and therefore the script.Read more
The concept has drowned under too much detail and back story. You have obviously considered many of the elements and structured the back story extensively which is a good thing. However now is the time to discern what belongs in the back story and what belongs in the story and therefore the script.
The hippie benefactor, his love interest and his algorithm do not belong in this story.
At this early stage I would suggest to distill the concept via the logline using only the very basic components of your story:
MC – Scientist
This is good.
Flaw – Workaholic
This is good.
Ally – Nerdy assistant.
This is good, no need to mention him faking his CV as it has no baring on the plot, story or character.
Inciting incident – The lab being shut down
This is good.
Goal – Save his lab
This is good.
Obstacle – Lack of funds
This is good.
Antagonist – Unprincipled people
This is bad because it is a generic and vague description of several characters. Better to specify the nature of the antagonist in a single character that will pose the greatest problem for the MC.
Stakes – ?
This is bad as it is not clear what is the worst or best that would happen if he succeeds or fails.
Putting all these elements together into a logline will look something like this:
After his lab is shut down a workaholic scientist, on the verge of a huge breakthrough, must sell a fake AI to a greedy CEO of a major corporation to be able to finish his research and change humanity for ever.
I would suggest specifying the breakthrough his is about to make as it is important for us to know how he will change humanity for ever so we know what the stakes are. Cure for all cancer? Longterm solution for world hunger? Warp drive capability? Etc…
Hope this helps.
See lessAfter his older sister goes away on a business trip, a college dropout must take care of his hyperactive niece.
AS DPG said you haven't described a goal and with out a goal you have no plot. Also try thinking of the worst candidate to be taking care of his niece and describe the MC as that. This way you could create intrigue in the concept. Consider Kindergarten Cop as a good example of such dynamics. Hope thRead more
AS DPG said you haven’t described a goal and with out a goal you have no plot.
Also try thinking of the worst candidate to be taking care of his niece and describe the MC as that. This way you could create intrigue in the concept. Consider Kindergarten Cop as a good example of such dynamics.
Hope this helps.
See lessAn IDF Lieutenant has terrible visions of the world’s destruction relating to the arrival of a man claiming to be the Messiah through unexplained miracles.
You have described a lot of detail that doesn't proved any further clarity to the plot. The MC is the IDF soldier this is clear but; what is his flaw? what is his inciting incident that sets him off on a journey what is the specific event that does this? What is his specific goal? What are his obstaRead more
You have described a lot of detail that doesn’t proved any further clarity to the plot.
The MC is the IDF soldier this is clear but; what is his flaw? what is his inciting incident that sets him off on a journey what is the specific event that does this? What is his specific goal? What are his obstacles? What are the stakes? Will Satan bring hell on Earth? What will happen if he fails or succeeds?
Best to deal in specifics for the sake of your logline clarity.
Other wise regarding the concept I know that most Israeli people are not awaiting a king of any kind. There is no monarchy in Israel and the majority of the population are not religious and do no believe in a messiah. Further there is no anti-christ in Jewish theology as it is a christian figure Satan as well plays a very little part in Jewish beliefs and is far more prevalent in christian ones.
If what you are interested in is the combination of religious and military themes then perhaps best to use a lesser known main stream religion such as Sikhs in India. The reason is most people would know a lot about Judeo-christian belief systems and narratives. As a result they may not appreciate the superficial treatment in this concept that combines such a broad array of subject matter and references to benefit the writing.
See less