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When Asian vampires steal an ancient demon?s mask, a museum curator and a bus driver must stop them from bringing the monster back to life.
The logline doesn't describe the clear connection between the inciting incident and the action the MC takes. Also how do they know an Asian Vampire stole the mask? Is there any significants to the fact that the vampire is Asian? If not drop the description. Perhaps a re word: After an ancient mask iRead more
The logline doesn’t describe the clear connection between the inciting incident and the action the MC takes.
Also how do they know an Asian Vampire stole the mask? Is there any significants to the fact that the vampire is Asian? If not drop the description.
Perhaps a re word:
After an ancient mask is stolen from his museum a curator must stop the thieves from using it to bring back a pre historic monster to life.
Hope this helps.
See lessWhen bushwalkers get lost in the mountains they must resolve the tangled web of their own relationships and battle a spider man to survive.
As mentioned above there are two goals stated in the logline resolve the relationship problems and defeat the Spiderman. Which is the A plot goal? Make the logline about that and that alone as a loglein needs to describe a single plot. Better to define who gets lost to aid the premise: After a couplRead more
As mentioned above there are two goals stated in the logline resolve the relationship problems and defeat the Spiderman.
Which is the A plot goal?
Make the logline about that and that alone as a loglein needs to describe a single plot.
Better to define who gets lost to aid the premise: After a couple gets lost in the woods…
Also be carful of using a known character in your logline such as Spiderman unless you are writing for the franchise.
Hope this helps.
See lessWhen a music teacher discovers his new girlfriend is a serial killer, he must decide whether to turn her in or continue having amazing sex.
The inciting incident description is weak "...discovers his new girlfriend is a serial killer.." why not: After a music teacher see his new girlfriend kill a man before breakfast? Other wise how else does he discover she is a killer? Not through exposition I trust, as an inciting incident needs to bRead more
The inciting incident description is weak “…discovers his new girlfriend is a serial killer..” why not:
After a music teacher see his new girlfriend kill a man before breakfast?
Other wise how else does he discover she is a killer? Not through exposition I trust, as an inciting incident needs to be seen on screen not just talked about in exposition filled dialogue.
It can still be funny think of some of the murders in Little Shop Of Horrors for example.
Secondly deciding to do something is not acting to do it and a good goal needs to be achieved through action. You have basically described the first half of act one before the MC understands what his goal is and decides to achieve it.
What is the MC’s goal?
Hope this helps.
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