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When their uncle is murdered by the Irish Mafia because of the debt passed on by their dead father, two unlucky brothers must fight against mobsters and the corrupt policemen who control the streets of Boston to ultimately dismantle the oldest crime group in the United States or die trying.
This re draft of the logline still lacks a clear goal. A plot is series of events that are connected to each other through a cause and effect relationship driven by a character pursuing a clear goal. Think of it in another way an average producer hears another pitch every day or two. If you can't deRead more
This re draft of the logline still lacks a clear goal.
A plot is series of events that are connected to each other through a cause and effect relationship driven by a character pursuing a clear goal.
Think of it in another way an average producer hears another pitch every day or two. If you can’t describe what the character wants in a sentence they will likely lose interest very quickly. Equally as important (and I think in this case more important) if you can’t define what your main character actually wants in one sentence chances are you won’t be able to do so in a whole script.
How will a camera show the brothers “…dismantle the oldest crime group?”? What will be the defining event that informs the viewing audience that they have indeed dismantled them?
This defining event is your MC’s goal re draft this logline with the inclusion of this event as it is the most crucial part of a logline s previously mentioned in posts of other drafts.
Secondly the death of their uncle seams like an add on event to justify the presents of an inciting incident. But as I mentioned above there needs to be a cause and effect relationship between the inciting incident and the goal. Because of one the MC wants the other in this instance all I can come up with is because the uncle was killed the two brothers want revenge.
Revenge is a negative and selfish goal unless the injustice was so horrific I just can’t get behind a MC that only wants revenge. This maybe different with other people but best to come up with a positive goal over a negative one even the count of Monte Cristo realised the futility of mere revenge at the end of his story.
The logline raises a few questions such as: Why would the mafia kill the uncle over the dead father’s debt? This doesn’t make sense the mafia are an outlaw organisation but business people none the less. They won’t get their money this way but if this is an example killing to warn others against not paying their debts then shouldn’t they want to kill the debtor’s immediate family such as wife and kids?
Lastly this draft is too long and uses too many words to describe too few events.
Here is a quick cutdown I was able to do with the elements in the current draft:
After they see their uncle murdered by the Irish Mafia two brothers fight the mobsters on the streets of Boston to stop them from killing their mother.
Hope this helps.
See lessWhen two unlucky brothers are unable to pay off their dead father’s debt, they must fight against the Irish Mafia and the corrupt policemen who control the streets of Boston to protect their lives and take down the oldest organized crime group in the United States.
Same comments from the previous draft of this logline still apply: Being unable to pay off a debt is a circumstance not an event. What is the starting event of the story? What is the inciting incident? The inciting incident needs to directly relate to their goal which is what by the way? Why do theyRead more
Same comments from the previous draft of this logline still apply:
Being unable to pay off a debt is a circumstance not an event.
What is the starting event of the story? What is the inciting incident?
The inciting incident needs to directly relate to their goal which is what by the way? Why do they actually need to take down the oldest organised crime group in the USA? What is at stake if they fail? What will happen if they succeed?
What does taking the organisation down mean? How will they know when they succeeded in doing so?
If it is putting the leader behind bars or killing him or her then specify this? Otherwise taking down is a generic and vague description of a goal.
Hope this helps.
See lessAn underprivileged high school student must compromise his principles when he is taken under the wing of a corrupt businessman. However, as his pride gets the best of him, it ignites a battle of wits between mentor and protege.
This draft of the logline raises too many questions and as a result is confusing. Who is the MC? What is their inciting incident? What is their goal? Why must he compromise? What is at stake? Why now? What is the inciting incident? Why would a corrupt businessman take anyone under his wing? What doeRead more
This draft of the logline raises too many questions and as a result is confusing.
Who is the MC?
What is their inciting incident?
What is their goal?
Why must he compromise? What is at stake? Why now? What is the inciting incident? Why would a corrupt businessman take anyone under his wing? What does pride getting the best of him mean what does it look like? A mentor for what? A protege for what? What can a corrupt businessman mentor a student in?
Hope this help.
See less