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A mentorship between a pragmatic and manipulative businessman and an underprivileged high school genius evolves into a battle of wits as both try to prove their intellectual superiority over the other.
Who is this story about? There are two potential main characters and neither appear to be specified as such. After specifying the main character; What is the inciting incident? What makes them need to do something? What is their goal? What do they need to achieve that will drive them through the stoRead more
Who is this story about?
There are two potential main characters and neither appear to be specified as such.
After specifying the main character;
What is the inciting incident? What makes them need to do something?
What is their goal? What do they need to achieve that will drive them through the story?
The character descriptions are too long “…pragmatic and manipulative businessman?” thats three descriptions that don’t compound each other rather add very little in their own right. What is the one characteristic that will drive this character to do what he does in the story?
Same goes for the high school student.
Hope this helps.
See lessWith crime at an all time high in Los Angeles a rookie DA begins receiving unsolicited advice from the ghost of famed prosecutor DA J. Miles Lenny as they fight to bring justice to the southland.
The combination of court room and paranormal sounds interesting. However the logline doesn't describe a specific inciting incident or a specific goal and therefore doesn't describe a plot. What was the event that gave the MC the ability to talk with ghosts? This will be the inciting incident. What dRead more
The combination of court room and paranormal sounds interesting. However the logline doesn’t describe a specific inciting incident or a specific goal and therefore doesn’t describe a plot.
What was the event that gave the MC the ability to talk with ghosts?
This will be the inciting incident.
What does he specifically want to achieve? What will bringing justice to the southland look like?
This will be the goal.
Use these as the base to re draft the logline in my opinion.
Hope this helps.
See lessAs he chronicles one tenacious man’s fight to survive after a nuclear holocaust decimates life on Earth, a dedicated and determined alien observer must decide whether to obey or defy orders to terminate humanity.
Hi Byron. The way your logline is currently drafted implies that his discovery that he has five days to save humanity is the inciting incident. In my opinion this needs clarification as it is the event that starts off your story best to not make just another "shocking discovery" that is all too commRead more
Hi Byron.
The way your logline is currently drafted implies that his discovery that he has five days to save humanity is the inciting incident. In my opinion this needs clarification as it is the event that starts off your story best to not make just another “shocking discovery” that is all too common in many loglines.
The fact that there is an experiment going on is interesting and adds to the story but I don’t think it is important for the logline perhaps best to reserve it for a treatment. Ultimately experiment or not the bad guys want to kill the good guys, aliens V humans and the plot is the MC will struggle to stop the aliens.
You describe a love story in your explanation but also a survival plot in your logline. Which is the main story in your script?
If it is the love story then meeting the girl is the inciting incident but if it is survival then the discovery would be the inciting incident.
“?young?” is a poor description for a MC best to leave it out as it is generic and imparts too little to justify it’s use same goes for “?shy and frightened..”. Better if you could find one or two words at most that nail the MC and imply what his flaw could be or defines it specifically if crucial.
Just a suggestion:
After a librarian wakes up on board an alien science ship he over hears plans to terminate the humane race in five days and must fight them to save humanity.
Hope this helps.
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