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When Santa Claus wants to quit work after Saint Nicholas kidnaps his inner child, Santa?s abandend- homeless nine year old daughter must team up with the soulless president of a big European toy company to save the spirit of Christmas.
The most recent draft of the logline is confusing to me. Who is Krampus? Is the character of Krampus a culture specific reference or is he or she meant to be widely known? I ask as I have never heard of Krampus. If this is character is vital to the plot he or she needs to be defined as such their naRead more
The most recent draft of the logline is confusing to me.
Who is Krampus? Is the character of Krampus a culture specific reference or is he or she meant to be widely known? I ask as I have never heard of Krampus.
If this is character is vital to the plot he or she needs to be defined as such their name is not relevant. By this I mean if this is the antagonist then best to just describe the antagonist.
What does Santa’s inner child look like? How will this be conveyed cinematically when it is stolen from Santa?
How does Santa not having an inner child become a problem for him? Can he not still fulfil his duty as Santa?
“…his irascible daughter teams with the sacked head of Krampus? soulless toy company?” – Does this refer to Santa’s daughter or Krampus’s daughter?
Either way how is the daughter motivated to bring back Santa’s inner child? In what way will this solve her problem?
Lastly the logline reads as if the daughter is the MC, if so, what is at stake for her? What will happen if she doesn’t bring back the inner child?
Sorry for not providing any practical suggestions only I miss understood too many of the details to be able to do so.
Hope this helps.
See lessAfter being assaulted by his family and the Christian community, a homosexual male is led to decide whether his happiness is more important than his family.
Making a decision is not taking action it is what happens before that, additionally this logline lacks a goal and action the MC will take to achieve it. However the logline describes a great inciting incident I would embellish it a bit and add brutally assaulted to increase the level of trauma and mRead more
Making a decision is not taking action it is what happens before that, additionally this logline lacks a goal and action the MC will take to achieve it. However the logline describes a great inciting incident I would embellish it a bit and add brutally assaulted to increase the level of trauma and motivation.
Best to remove “…is led to decide whether his happiness is more important than his family.” and structure a goal for the MC that connects to his beating.
Lastly no need to describe the MC as male this is implied by the use of the word “?his?”.
Hope this helps.
See lessTwo best friends who have desk jobs at a top secret spy agency are suddenly thrown into a massive conspiracy caused by a rogue agent.
Agreed with all the above. Also descriptions such as "...a massive conspiracy?" and "...a rogue agent?" are too vague for use in a logline. Best to be more specific about the nature and detail of the elements of a story; what was the conspiracy and what was the unique scary nature of the antagonistRead more
Agreed with all the above.
Also descriptions such as “…a massive conspiracy?” and “…a rogue agent?” are too vague for use in a logline. Best to be more specific about the nature and detail of the elements of a story; what was the conspiracy and what was the unique scary nature of the antagonist or rogue agent?
The answers to these questions will explain the stakes and the obstacles the MC will face when trying to achieve the goal. Which incidentally is absent from the logline; what is the goal?
Hope this helps.
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