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When a troubled American expatriate is offered work at the Tengen Hotel, he soon discovers that Tokyo’s most exclusive hotel is also the base of operations for a major crime syndicate. Now embroiled in their conspiracy to appropriate control over the city, the expatriate must choose between duty or sentiment as both his mettle and loyalty are put to the test.
The updated draft does't present any new story elements that help understand the stakes and plot any better than the old draft. Except for appropriating control over the city that is but even that is a vague description of action. In what way will they "...appropriate control ?"? Politically? ThrougRead more
The updated draft does’t present any new story elements that help understand the stakes and plot any better than the old draft. Except for appropriating control over the city that is but even that is a vague description of action.
In what way will they “…appropriate control ?”? Politically? Through property purchases? Killing rival syndicate members? Drug trafficking? etc?
All previous comments still apply the logline needs to provide a starting point for the story and a clear motivation for action throughout the series. This means an inciting incident and the basic premise of the pilot episode.
The stakes are vague because we don’t understand what would happen if he doesn’t join the mafia or what would happen if he does.
See lessWhen a troubled American expatriate is offered work at the Tengen Hotel, he soon discovers that Tokyo’s most exclusive hotel is also the base of operations for a major crime syndicate. Now embroiled in their conspiracy to appropriate control over the city, the expatriate must choose between duty or sentiment as both his mettle and loyalty are put to the test.
There are too many words separating the beginning of the logline and the description of the main action in the series. When pitching a TV series you normally pitch the pilot and genre. If the producer or executive are interested they will ask for a brief description of season one for this you need aRead more
There are too many words separating the beginning of the logline and the description of the main action in the series.
When pitching a TV series you normally pitch the pilot and genre. If the producer or executive are interested they will ask for a brief description of season one for this you need a good goal and a good cliff hanger for season one.
Many producers have told me this in one way or another.
Point is that when structuring a logline for a series best to start off with the inciting incident, character description and main action of the pilot and end with the external main goal of season one.
In this logline there is no inciting incident just a description of the MC’s situation prior to the start of the story. Why must he now become a member of the crime organisation? What made him need to do it?
Also best to be specific, as mentioned above, what exactly will he do to prove his loyalty? Because the reader needs to know what the risks for the MC are.
Lastly what is it he wants or needs to achieve? The logline lacks a clear motivation for the MC.
Hope this helps.
See lessWhen three young men apart of the lad sub-culture beat up a civilian and steal his friend's camera, we become a fly-on-the-wall as we see what drives these three young men to do what they do as tensions arise as the night winds down, it leads to an implosion which devastates the community around them.
As Richieve said best to focus on the story in a logline not the look and feel. Who is "?we?" in the logline? I get you mean the audience but when reading a logline the writer would do best to place an image in the readers mind by describing characters and actions and let them experience the story.Read more
As Richieve said best to focus on the story in a logline not the look and feel.
Who is “?we?” in the logline?
I get you mean the audience but when reading a logline the writer would do best to place an image in the readers mind by describing characters and actions and let them experience the story. When you mention “?we?” you take the reader out of that mode and make them imagine an audience watching a film instead.
Point is take the “?we?” out of the logline.
“…an implosion which devastates the community?” – is a generic vague description of what happens in the story. Better to describe specifically what actually happens so that its clear what type of action will be taken and therefor what type of film this will be.
Lastly the plot is unclear from the logline.
Who is the main character? Is this a multi protagonist plot? Are all three lads the main character or only one of them? What is the inciting incident?
Them steeling the camera is an action they took and would have regardless therefore this is not out of the ordinary and changes little in their lives. What happens that makes them want to do something? What is the main external goal?
I suggest a study of Anthony Burgess’s A Clock Work Orange. The story healed up in the book, the stage rendition and the film for good reason it had all the above whilst being of the same genre and character type you are writing.
Hope this helps.
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