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An emotionally & physically abused teen witnesses the murder of his family, his abuser responsible. ?Now an adult, he along with his K9 enact revenge on the entire family responsible, destroying their?family business of drugs and prostitution.?
Agreed with Richiev BUT I think that if the inciting incident is placed directly before the action - both in the logline and the script, it can work well. However, the logline is too long, unclear and repetitive to work well. I'll add that he has a negative goal 'revenge' and it's likely a better chRead more
Agreed with Richiev BUT I think that if the inciting incident is placed directly before the action – both in the logline and the script, it can work well.
However, the logline is too long, unclear and repetitive to work well.
I’ll add that he has a negative goal ‘revenge’ and it’s likely a better choice to make him want to protect other other people.
Here is a quick clean up for you:
After the mob kills his family, a teenager must bring down the criminal empire to save other families from the same fate.
See lessAfter a new energy source is used to power an entire city, a young cleaning lady is called to protect the city from supernatural threats called Jinn that are attracted to the energy source. The Jinn take over human bodies and give their hosts supernatural powers.
The logline is too wordy and at the same time describes too few details. As DPG pointed out, what is her power and what motivates her to take action? Her getting the call is one thing but her WANTING/NEEDING to stop the baddies is another. Lastly, what specifically is her goal? Fending off the JinnRead more
The logline is too wordy and at the same time describes too few details.
As DPG pointed out, what is her power and what motivates her to take action? Her getting the call is one thing but her WANTING/NEEDING to stop the baddies is another.
Lastly, what specifically is her goal? Fending off the Jinn sounds like an ongoing task, what’s the end game? How will the audience know beyond a doubt that she has achieved her goal?
See lessStephanie has just fallen in with the bad crowd at school. When her new slacker friends start dying in horrific ?accidents,? Stephanie is only one who thinks there is a connection. She must figure it out before it?s too late, but what if this is all for her own good?
No need to name the MC as it's better to describe her. What's her major flaw? As DPG pointed out, the inciting incident isn't clear. What one event motivates her to take action? Lastly, "...must figure it out..." is a weak goal. Wouldn't it be far more compelling to see her stop the murders? Check oRead more
No need to name the MC as it’s better to describe her. What’s her major flaw?
As DPG pointed out, the inciting incident isn’t clear. What one event motivates her to take action?
Lastly, “…must figure it out…” is a weak goal. Wouldn’t it be far more compelling to see her stop the murders?
Check out the ‘Formula’ tab for more information on how to construct a logline.
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