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A man?s drunken persona comes to life revealing a dark side.
This is a short film right? If so set up quickly that he has a problem with alcohol and as DPG said resolve the story on a positive note after he understands the error of his ways. Perhaps after his house burns down he picks up another bottle but instead of drinking it he throws it away. Make him coRead more
This is a short film right?
If so set up quickly that he has a problem with alcohol and as DPG said resolve the story on a positive note after he understands the error of his ways.
Perhaps after his house burns down he picks up another bottle but instead of drinking it he throws it away. Make him come to a good conclusion and become a better person as a result of his experiences.
About the log line:
No need to name the MC in the log line.
“…a working class Australian…” is too generic a description for a MC, better to be more specific in the MC’s description.
No need to mention “… just wants to have a few and watch the cricket,”.
“…but a dark side is revealed when his drunken persona awakens in the form of the three sheets blowing to life from the washing line.” To many words to describe the inciting incident. This dilutes its impact on the reader and it should come first in this case.
“…Andrew finds himself fighting his demons,” is a weak description of an action a MC takes. He should not be passive rather active therefore he doesn’t “find him self” rather he actively seeks to fight the thing.
Lastly the stakes are not high enough for this story put his life at risk instead of just his house.
e.g: After his rage comes to life and possesses inanimate objects a drunken [character description] must fight a demonic bed sheet to save his life and learn to quit drinking for good.
See lessA man?s drunken persona comes to life revealing a dark side.
This is a short film right? If so set up quickly that he has a problem with alcohol and as DPG said resolve the story on a positive note after he understands the error of his ways. Perhaps after his house burns down he picks up another bottle but instead of drinking it he throws it away. Make him coRead more
This is a short film right?
If so set up quickly that he has a problem with alcohol and as DPG said resolve the story on a positive note after he understands the error of his ways.
Perhaps after his house burns down he picks up another bottle but instead of drinking it he throws it away. Make him come to a good conclusion and become a better person as a result of his experiences.
About the log line:
No need to name the MC in the log line.
“…a working class Australian…” is too generic a description for a MC, better to be more specific in the MC’s description.
No need to mention “… just wants to have a few and watch the cricket,”.
“…but a dark side is revealed when his drunken persona awakens in the form of the three sheets blowing to life from the washing line.” To many words to describe the inciting incident. This dilutes its impact on the reader and it should come first in this case.
“…Andrew finds himself fighting his demons,” is a weak description of an action a MC takes. He should not be passive rather active therefore he doesn’t “find him self” rather he actively seeks to fight the thing.
Lastly the stakes are not high enough for this story put his life at risk instead of just his house.
e.g: After his rage comes to life and possesses inanimate objects a drunken [character description] must fight a demonic bed sheet to save his life and learn to quit drinking for good.
See lessWith most of his Arctic drilling barge crew dead, an up-and-coming oil exec struggles to manage the crisis ?by the book?, but a primordial fungus brought up from under the ice begins to infect the staff of the local hospital turning them into violent sexual predators furiously spreading their spores.
As previously posted on a former draft better to start with the inciting incident of the main plot. If this is the exec fighting the fungus then: After a primordial fungus kills half his crew a by the book oil company executive [does something worth watching him do] to [achieve a compelling and visuRead more
As previously posted on a former draft better to start with the inciting incident of the main plot.
If this is the exec fighting the fungus then:
After a primordial fungus kills half his crew a by the book oil company executive [does something worth watching him do] to [achieve a compelling and visual goal].
“…begins to infect the staff of the local hospital turning them into violent sexual predators furiously spreading their spores.” is probably redundant.
Better to just describe the main plot and hint at character archs with in a logline. Also “…struggles too…” or “…deals with…” are indeed weak descriptions of an action in a story. Better to describe specifically the way in which he fights the fungus.
See less