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  1. Posted: September 12, 2014In: Public

    A young amnesiac and terribly clumsy woman must rely on the help of a strange psychologist to remember that she is a super heroine who holds the key to stop a mad scientist who's about to attempt a quantum experiment that could destroy humanity.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on September 15, 2014 at 2:05 pm

    If this is a comedy think of the premise that will provide the comic element. Is she a fish out of water? Is this a play on dramatic irony? Is this an exercise in futility by the MC ignoring the flaw? All of the above? etc... Then build that into the logline that describes the very first event thatRead more

    If this is a comedy think of the premise that will provide the comic element.
    Is she a fish out of water? Is this a play on dramatic irony? Is this an exercise in futility by the MC ignoring the flaw? All of the above? etc…

    Then build that into the logline that describes the very first event that places her in the “new” situation that sets up the whole series.

    As previously mentioned best to focus a logline for a series on the pilot episode that sets up the premise that in turn will allow for the ongoing schtick in the series.

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  2. Posted: September 12, 2014In: Public

    On a quest to find his long-lost father, a godly athlete struggles for answers when he discovers his fugitive mother abducted him as a small child. Tagline: Basketball was just a game; finding out the truth became his goal.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on September 15, 2014 at 1:54 pm

    I think this draft added further complications that don't contribute to much needed clarity. The fact that he is an athlete is unrelated to his setting off to find his biological father. Additionally him being devout (better to specify a religion) seems unrelated to him being an athlete or a rape chRead more

    I think this draft added further complications that don’t contribute to much needed clarity.

    The fact that he is an athlete is unrelated to his setting off to find his biological father. Additionally him being devout (better to specify a religion) seems unrelated to him being an athlete or a rape child.

    If he on his own account decides to defy his mother and pursue his father’s identity the jeopardy to his championship hope is of his own doing. This means that you are specifying in the logline the central dilemma the MC will face.

    In my mind good loglines should present a character description and a contrasting situation that will inherently cause the reader to understand on their own the central dilemma the MC will face.

    I’m not convinced that making the MC an athlete, a champion sports man or devout are helping this story.

    Lets quickly look at the bare bones of your story as it is currently:

    MC – Young offspring
    inciting incident – Discovering the nature of their inception
    External goal – Find the father

    What type of character would suffer the most from this or encounter the biggest obstacles trying to achieve this goal?

    Personally I would pick a lesbian detective that works for the sex crimes department of a police force and life long member of the young socialist party.

    Because the violent crime was done against the mother and therefor a female perspective would increase the emotional stakes the MC will face when finding the father. More so by making her an active idealist she would be overly zealous in her morally apposition to this man as well as emotionally apposed to him. Lastly as a law enforcement officer she has the power to bring him to justice.

    From this we can extrapolate multiple levels of dilemma and internal conflict. I want to find my dad but I want to put him in jail for the rest of his life. As a representative of the law will I be able to fulfill my duty and ignore my personal emotions? etc…

    In short no need to explain how or why the MC will face a huge dilemma rather plant the seeds in the readers mind that will grow into the central dilemmas on their own accord.

    Hope this helps, Nir.

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  3. Posted: September 12, 2014In: Public

    On a quest to find his long-lost father, a godly athlete struggles for answers when he discovers his fugitive mother abducted him as a small child. Tagline: Basketball was just a game; finding out the truth became his goal.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on September 15, 2014 at 1:54 pm

    I think this draft added further complications that don't contribute to much needed clarity. The fact that he is an athlete is unrelated to his setting off to find his biological father. Additionally him being devout (better to specify a religion) seems unrelated to him being an athlete or a rape chRead more

    I think this draft added further complications that don’t contribute to much needed clarity.

    The fact that he is an athlete is unrelated to his setting off to find his biological father. Additionally him being devout (better to specify a religion) seems unrelated to him being an athlete or a rape child.

    If he on his own account decides to defy his mother and pursue his father’s identity the jeopardy to his championship hope is of his own doing. This means that you are specifying in the logline the central dilemma the MC will face.

    In my mind good loglines should present a character description and a contrasting situation that will inherently cause the reader to understand on their own the central dilemma the MC will face.

    I’m not convinced that making the MC an athlete, a champion sports man or devout are helping this story.

    Lets quickly look at the bare bones of your story as it is currently:

    MC – Young offspring
    inciting incident – Discovering the nature of their inception
    External goal – Find the father

    What type of character would suffer the most from this or encounter the biggest obstacles trying to achieve this goal?

    Personally I would pick a lesbian detective that works for the sex crimes department of a police force and life long member of the young socialist party.

    Because the violent crime was done against the mother and therefor a female perspective would increase the emotional stakes the MC will face when finding the father. More so by making her an active idealist she would be overly zealous in her morally apposition to this man as well as emotionally apposed to him. Lastly as a law enforcement officer she has the power to bring him to justice.

    From this we can extrapolate multiple levels of dilemma and internal conflict. I want to find my dad but I want to put him in jail for the rest of his life. As a representative of the law will I be able to fulfill my duty and ignore my personal emotions? etc…

    In short no need to explain how or why the MC will face a huge dilemma rather plant the seeds in the readers mind that will grow into the central dilemmas on their own accord.

    Hope this helps, Nir.

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