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After their father dies poor, two disparate brothers move to Colorado to seek their fortunes during the Silver Mine boom in the 1800's and struggle to stay one step ahead of an opportunistic politician.
This is a really interesting sounding period piece. The logline could benefit from specifying one MC even if the MC has a buddy (brother) on his journey with him for the sake of clarity specifying one could help. The last part "...and struggle to stay one step ahead of an opportunistic politician."Read more
This is a really interesting sounding period piece.
The logline could benefit from specifying one MC even if the MC has a buddy (brother) on his journey with him for the sake of clarity specifying one could help.
The last part “…and struggle to stay one step ahead of an opportunistic politician.” feels added on post fact and unrelated to the plot because it is not an obstacle that is directly related to the brother’s struggle.
The main action the brothers take is for financial gain not a personal struggle and so reduces the potential for empathy.
Try relating the politician to the father’s death and then the fight with the politician is a personal one as well as a financial one.
My try:
After a corrupt politician kills his poor father a desperate man with the help of his brother moves to Colorado during the silver mine boom in the 1800’s to take back his father’s mine from the guilty politician.
Or something like that.
Hope this helps.
See lessAfter their father dies poor, two disparate brothers move to Colorado to seek their fortunes during the Silver Mine boom in the 1800's and struggle to stay one step ahead of an opportunistic politician.
This is a really interesting sounding period piece. The logline could benefit from specifying one MC even if the MC has a buddy (brother) on his journey with him for the sake of clarity specifying one could help. The last part "...and struggle to stay one step ahead of an opportunistic politician."Read more
This is a really interesting sounding period piece.
The logline could benefit from specifying one MC even if the MC has a buddy (brother) on his journey with him for the sake of clarity specifying one could help.
The last part “…and struggle to stay one step ahead of an opportunistic politician.” feels added on post fact and unrelated to the plot because it is not an obstacle that is directly related to the brother’s struggle.
The main action the brothers take is for financial gain not a personal struggle and so reduces the potential for empathy.
Try relating the politician to the father’s death and then the fight with the politician is a personal one as well as a financial one.
My try:
After a corrupt politician kills his poor father a desperate man with the help of his brother moves to Colorado during the silver mine boom in the 1800’s to take back his father’s mine from the guilty politician.
Or something like that.
Hope this helps.
See lessOn a quest to find his long-lost father, a godly athlete struggles for answers when he discovers his fugitive mother abducted him as a small child. Tagline: Basketball was just a game; finding out the truth became his goal.
Great that your re drafting the logline and the work you've done on it. However please re post drafts of the same logline under the original discussion thread. That way its easier for reviewers to see what comments have been made already and not repeat others and also this way everyone can learn froRead more
Great that your re drafting the logline and the work you’ve done on it. However please re post drafts of the same logline under the original discussion thread. That way its easier for reviewers to see what comments have been made already and not repeat others and also this way everyone can learn from the development of the logline over time.
As for this logline, I’m not sure what “…a godly athlete…” means, when read on its own, this logline could mean the story is set in ancient Greece. When I read “…a godly athlete…” first image that popped into my mind was Adonis arguing with Zeus for the truth about his family history… Though I’m sure this wasn’t the intention.
Further more “…struggles for answers…” is a vague description of the main action the MC takes because it can be interpreted as a variety of different actions and is really up to the eye of the beholder.
Lastly “…when he discovers his fugitive mother abducted him as a small child.” is an inciting incident that the MC made happen rather than had happen to him and most good inciting incidents happen to the MC out of their control. This means that an external force shifted the equilibrium of existence for the MC and the MC needs to take significant action to fix it.
Hope this helps.
See less