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Fiddle,young talented violin player is about to run away from most hated things in his life – the violin and his father that painfully bullies him into play all his life.Only thing that turns up as a obstacle is Fiddle?s evil mind, personified as a mysterious being that evokes a a very radical thoughts inside him.
I see sounds to me like you have 2 antagonists the evil part of his split personality and the father. Why not choose one and keep that one in the logline that will help to narrow down the descriptions of the obstacle. Also no need to name it as an obstacle by the way just describe the way in which iRead more
I see sounds to me like you have 2 antagonists the evil part of his split personality and the father.
Why not choose one and keep that one in the logline that will help to narrow down the descriptions of the obstacle. Also no need to name it as an obstacle by the way just describe the way in which it hinders his efforts.
Nir.
See lessFiddle,young talented violin player is about to run away from most hated things in his life – the violin and his father that painfully bullies him into play all his life.Only thing that turns up as a obstacle is Fiddle?s evil mind, personified as a mysterious being that evokes a a very radical thoughts inside him.
This is vague because the MC is "...about to..." do something rather than do something. Milos Forman once said in an interview that in film a tree is not about to be, or like a, rather is a tree. Point is its better to write decisive than potential, especially in a logline. On the same point the insRead more
This is vague because the MC is “…about to…” do something rather than do something. Milos Forman once said in an interview that in film a tree is not about to be, or like a, rather is a tree. Point is its better to write decisive than potential, especially in a logline. On the same point the insighting incident needs to be specified so we can see why and when the MC starts his journey away from the father.
Secondly the antagonist evoking radical thoughts seams unclear as an obstacle either the thought or the result of the thought needs to be clarified. This being an internal obstacle weakens its power as one and perhaps more external influences need to be invented to stop him from running.
Lastly the stakes don’t appear to be high enough or clear enough as to what they are. If he doesn’t run away he will be made to keep on playing… dosn’t seams to scary. Good reference would be ‘Shine’ David Helfgott went mad as a result of continuing to play.
Also there were several grammar errors, for example: “…evokes a a very radical thoughts…” should be – evokes a radical thought.
Hope this helps.
See lessFiddle,young talented violin player is about to run away from most hated things in his life – the violin and his father that painfully bullies him into play all his life.Only thing that turns up as a obstacle is Fiddle?s evil mind, personified as a mysterious being that evokes a a very radical thoughts inside him.
This is vague because the MC is "...about to..." do something rather than do something. Milos Forman once said in an interview that in film a tree is not about to be, or like a, rather is a tree. Point is its better to write decisive than potential, especially in a logline. On the same point the insRead more
This is vague because the MC is “…about to…” do something rather than do something. Milos Forman once said in an interview that in film a tree is not about to be, or like a, rather is a tree. Point is its better to write decisive than potential, especially in a logline. On the same point the insighting incident needs to be specified so we can see why and when the MC starts his journey away from the father.
Secondly the antagonist evoking radical thoughts seams unclear as an obstacle either the thought or the result of the thought needs to be clarified. This being an internal obstacle weakens its power as one and perhaps more external influences need to be invented to stop him from running.
Lastly the stakes don’t appear to be high enough or clear enough as to what they are. If he doesn’t run away he will be made to keep on playing… dosn’t seams to scary. Good reference would be ‘Shine’ David Helfgott went mad as a result of continuing to play.
Also there were several grammar errors, for example: “…evokes a a very radical thoughts…” should be – evokes a radical thought.
Hope this helps.
See less