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After the head of a giant corporation discovers a malicious conspiracy, he works by night to bring down the very company he leads by day
This reads very well good logline Vinay. Consider changing "giant corporation" to "multinational" and "malicious conspiracy" to a specific action rather than a description. You managed to tell us who the MC is and inform us about his work. By doing so you describe the important part about him well bRead more
This reads very well good logline Vinay.
Consider changing “giant corporation” to “multinational” and “malicious conspiracy” to a specific action rather than a description. You managed to tell us who the MC is and inform us about his work. By doing so you describe the important part about him well but you only vaguely described the II.
You also managed to tell that he will be taking action covertly to achieve his goal. But I think in too many words that are not powerful enough descriptions. Best to condense “he works by night to bring down the very company he leads by day” to as few as possible words and specify the antagonist.
Just a suggestion: After a CEO discovers his multinational has been [insert very bad thing] he fights to stop the board under their noses.
Nir.
See lessAfter a beautiful, pure-hearted Senator is invited to join a presidential campaign, she discovers the dark side of public service and viciously turns the election upside-down
Good idea for a fish out of water/political thriller but needs more direction. Hard to tell whether the II is the invitation to join the presidential campaign or the discovery of the dark side of public service. Further more who or what specifically represents the "dark side" of public service and hRead more
Good idea for a fish out of water/political thriller but needs more direction.
Hard to tell whether the II is the invitation to join the presidential campaign or the discovery of the dark side of public service.
Further more who or what specifically represents the “dark side” of public service and how?
I think you need this clarified as the “dark side” of public service has been relentlessly written about in its many incarnations since Gogol.
The reader needs to know what specifically makes this “dark” and therefore, why she is motivated to stop it, in order to want go on the journey with her. Give her a bad guy to struggle against and at the same time make this an original take on a well-known concept.
Also a good idea to name the MC of your story and reduce the multitude of adjectives describing her to the most accurate and potent one that relates to the story the most.
Hope this helps, Nir.
See lessAutomated Companion
I see but it doesn't come across that way in the logline. Perhaps define his goal to be finding his wife then the obstacle, before a new version of the logline? Sounds like the automated companion is more of a Scifi add on than an integral part of the story. Nir.
I see but it doesn’t come across that way in the logline.
Perhaps define his goal to be finding his wife then the obstacle, before a new version of the logline?
Sounds like the automated companion is more of a Scifi add on than an integral part of the story.
Nir.
See less