1. Posted: June 8, 2019In:

    A guilty college student is leveraged by an abuser from his past, who is close with his crush, to choose between her safety or Not being Exposed.

    Best Answer
    Karel Segers Samurai

    I believe the first job to improve the logline is to be specific about what the student is guilty of. This adds to the stakes, I would believe. Next, find a more visual/concrete action. I don't think loglines about just a choice are very strong. Once the choice is made, the action starts, right? I aRead more

    I believe the first job to improve the logline is to be specific about what the student is guilty of. This adds to the stakes, I would believe.

    Next, find a more visual/concrete action. I don’t think loglines about just a choice are very strong. Once the choice is made, the action starts, right?

    I also think you can just say ‘student’. I don’t see at first sight what the ‘transfer’ adds in terms of dramatic value.

    “When a past abuser blackmails him, a reserved student must protect his crush, while keeping the secret about [whatever he is guilty of].”

    I know it doesn’t sound quite selling yet, but in terms of structure and clarity I believe it is an improvement.

    What do you think?

    On a separate note, I noticed that you have posted quite a few more loglines than reviews. ?The spirit of Logline It is that everyone reviews at least 2 other loglines for each logline posted. This doesn’t have to be an in-depth expert review. Most writers are happy if you just give us your honest opinion and what you believe the chances of success are for the type of story. Thank you.

    Thank you for having a look at the site again, and reviewing the work of your fellow writers.

    Cheers,

    Karel

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: June 8, 2019In:

    A crusty veteran of an interstellar war just wants to spend his retirement in peace. A notorious space pirate accuses him of stealing an alien artifact. He?s got 72 hours to turn it over, or he?ll kill the grandson he never knew he had.

    Karel Segers Samurai

    I dare to argue that most people want to spend their lives in peace. So perhaps: When a crusty interstellar war veteran is accused of stealing an alien artefact, he must turn it over or his grandson will die. Including the fact that he didn't know he had a grandson complicates the plot (that's good)Read more

    I dare to argue that most people want to spend their lives in peace. So perhaps:

    When a crusty interstellar war veteran is accused of stealing an alien artefact, he must turn it over or his grandson will die.

    Including the fact that he didn’t know he had a grandson complicates the plot (that’s good), but it also somewhat lessens the stakes, I think.

    Also, it seems to me that the veteran actually has two options: “must find the artifact and turn it over” or “defeat the pirate”.

    Perhaps there is a Mid Point Reversal (MPR), and he must first find the artefact, BUT when something else happens, THEN his only option is to defeat the pirate.

    What do you think?

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: June 8, 2019In:

    When the land is threatened by the curses of emerging night creators, a selfish rogue and his two friends forced to go on a quest to find the girl from prophecy, to save the land.

    Karel Segers Samurai

    Thanks for joining Logline It, Yara! Now for the hard truths... First of all, fantasy is a hard sell unless it is based on an underlying bestselling novel. That said, it is commendable to come up with original stories, whatever genre they are in. About the logline itself: It is important that we undRead more

    Thanks for joining Logline It, Yara!

    Now for the hard truths…

    First of all, fantasy is a hard sell unless it is based on an underlying bestselling novel. That said, it is commendable to come up with original stories, whatever genre they are in.

    About the logline itself:

    It is important that we understand what the elements of the logline mean. To me “the curses of emerging night creators” doesn’t mean much. Be specific.

    I’m not a fan of “forced to”.

    (You probably mean “are forced to”. Make sure you don’t leave grammatical errors in a logline. It is so short that if people find errors here, they will be reluctant to read longer documents written by you, expecting more of the same)

    We use the verb “must” on Logline It, which sounds less like an external force.

    “to find the girl from prophecy”: Another missing word. Should be “from the prophecy”

    This is vague again, because we don’t know who is the girl or what is the prophecy.

    Please put an updated and improved version of the logline here in the comments, and then we can look at it again.

    Happy loglining!

    See less
    • 0