1. Posted: February 13, 2013In:

    After a hostage is taken in botched drug heist it falls to his insecure gangland girlfriend to unravel the truth from the lies and get her man out alive.

    Richiev Singularity

    How about: ----- "When her boyfriend is taken hostage in a botched drug heist, an insecure gangland girl is forced to unravel the truth from lies to get him out alive." ----- Just curious, who is the antagonist?

    How about:
    —–
    “When her boyfriend is taken hostage in a botched drug heist, an insecure gangland girl is forced to unravel the truth from lies to get him out alive.”
    —–
    Just curious, who is the antagonist?

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  2. Posted: February 13, 2013In:

    After a hostage is taken in botched drug heist it falls to his insecure gangland girlfriend to unravel the truth from the lies and get her man out alive.

    Richiev Singularity

    I believe this is your best attempt yet. I am not quite loving the first few words, "After a hostage is taken" but that might just be personal preference on my part.

    I believe this is your best attempt yet. I am not quite loving the first few words, “After a hostage is taken” but that might just be personal preference on my part.

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  3. Posted: February 13, 2013In:

    A scientist and her group find a new element on archaeological excavations at an earth like planet making the group obsessed and killing each other but she pulls against her hallucinations and her group in order to get the element aboard the scientific base.

    Richiev Singularity

    Although this is very nit-picky I would use the word 'discover' instead of 'find'. A scientist would discover a new element. ----- "When an archaeologist discovers a new element on a distant planet, powerful hallucinations turn her scientific team on one other and now she must discover a cure beforeRead more

    Although this is very nit-picky I would use the word ‘discover’ instead of ‘find’. A scientist would discover a new element.
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    “When an archaeologist discovers a new element on a distant planet, powerful hallucinations turn her scientific team on one other and now she must discover a cure before the situation devolves to murder.”
    —–
    That is still rough; I am not happy with “turn his scientific team on one another” there has to be a more captivating way of saying it. However…

    By saying archaeologist instead of scientist, it implies that they will be at an archaeology excavation and you can cut it.

    You also don’t need to say “Group” twice. so I would cut the first use of it.

    Hope that helps, Most of the elements are in your logline, it’s simply too long. Good luck!

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