1. Posted: January 7, 2013In:

    While being pursued by police and a protection team, David Porter must find the legendary Tony Bill to pay off a gambling debt; or he's dead

    Richiev Singularity

    I do like this attempt better but it's still a little confusing. You say, the legendary Tony Bill but I have never heard of him. Is he from history? How is finding Tony Bill going to clear the debt?

    I do like this attempt better but it’s still a little confusing.

    You say, the legendary Tony Bill but I have never heard of him. Is he from history? How is finding Tony Bill going to clear the debt?

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: January 6, 2013In:

    When a 50-foot-tall Maine moose destroys forests and attacks people, biologist Dan Gellerston must confront dark secrets from his past to find a way to stop the monster.

    Richiev Singularity

    OK, love the potential of this one! But I would take away the word "Maine" and the word "tall," since we aren't going to assume you meant wide (When a fifty-foot moose) I would also replace, "Destroys forests and attacks people" with "Goes on a rampage" I would leave out "Dan Gellerston" but add anRead more

    OK, love the potential of this one!

    But

    I would take away the word “Maine” and the word “tall,” since we aren’t going to assume you meant wide (When a fifty-foot moose)

    I would also replace, “Destroys forests and attacks people” with “Goes on a rampage”

    I would leave out “Dan Gellerston” but add an adjective before biologist.

    Then I would redo the conflict in the logline. You have a fifty-foot moose on a rampage you the conflict you chose for your logline is “confront dark secrets?”

    How about, “he must take down the evil genetic lab he used to work for…” (obviously that is just an example)

    “When a fifty-foot moose goes on a rampage an (Adjective) biologist must infiltrate the evil genetics lab he used to work for in order to discover the secret to destroying the creature.”

    Again, that is just an example.

    Anyway, I love the idea of a fifty-foot rampaging moose!

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: January 6, 2013In:

    A young artist struggles with her newfound spiritual powers after being visited by the angel of prophetic revelation.

    Richiev Singularity

    I would consider changing Struggles as your conflict. It doesn't draw the reader in. Also, the phrase, 'ange lof prophetic revelation" is somewhat odd when read. I kinda see what you are going for here but if I have to decipher what a logline means, then it should probably be re-written for clarity.Read more

    I would consider changing Struggles as your conflict. It doesn’t draw the reader in.

    Also, the phrase, ‘ange lof prophetic revelation” is somewhat odd when read.

    I kinda see what you are going for here but if I have to decipher what a logline means, then it should probably be re-written for clarity.

    This sounds like an interesting project, hopefully you will have an interesting logline to match.

    See less
    • 0