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When Marcus Rosen is attacked by a unknown assailant, he awakens a hidden power that he eventually must use to stop evil from destroying humanity.
The problem is, this logline is a little too vague to draw in the reader.Marcus Rosen: We can tell from the name that your lead is a man, but that is all, is he a shy banker, is he a gruff construction worker, is he a gregarious male stripper? believe it or not, just giving us a name tells us nothinRead more
The problem is, this logline is a little too vague to draw in the reader.
Marcus Rosen: We can tell from the name that your lead is a man, but that is all, is he a shy banker, is he a gruff construction worker, is he a gregarious male stripper? believe it or not, just giving us a name tells us nothing about the character and thus is vague.
Unknown assailant: We don’t know who attacks the lead character. Were they gang members? Angry protester? A mugger?
Hidden power: We have no clue what the lead character’s power is, such as can he fly? can he bend time? Can he see through girls skirts?
must use to stop evil: What evil? What does this evil look like, what does this evil want?
Since we don’t know what the lead character’s power is, and we don’t know what this evil is, we can’t picture what the story is about. (And thus are not drawn in)
So in conclusion, just add a few specifics and it will improve your logline greatly.
See lessA dangerous serial killer charms his way into a single Mom’s life which brings a talented FBI agent out of retirement to work on the case whilst supernatural Neptune is also awakened to help.
How does the talented FBI agent know that the dangerous serial killer has charmed his way into a single mom's life? Since that is what sets the story and the FBI agent into action.
How does the talented FBI agent know that the dangerous serial killer has charmed his way into a single mom’s life?
Since that is what sets the story and the FBI agent into action.
See lessJinn returns home, confident he can save his daughter’s soul and bring her back to life, but at the cost of his sanity. [v2] [Short Film] [ Dark Fantasy] [Horror]
I am going to have to take a guess as to what is endangering his daughter's soul, here are two attempts, "When a demon possesses his daughter, a (determined) father returns home to save his daughters soul, but at the risk of his sanity" "When his daughter dies in a car crash, a (determined) father rRead more
I am going to have to take a guess as to what is endangering his daughter’s soul, here are two attempts,
“When a demon possesses his daughter, a (determined) father returns home to save his daughters soul, but at the risk of his sanity”
“When his daughter dies in a car crash, a (determined) father returns home with dark magic to revive her but at the risk of his sanity”
(I’m not happy with the word determined which I added, but I don’t know enough about the father’s personality to add a better descriptor)
Hope this helped
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