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Lelia, a vampire warrior, is forced to leave home to end an ongoing war between the human kingdoms before her own kind decide to end it their way. [v2.0] [TV] [Fantasy]
This is better, I can now visualize the war. The next step would be telling us why stopping the war between humans is important to her. Because she is a vampire but she is trying to save humanity, it would be good to at least hint at why. Is she in love with a human? Or perhaps raised by humans? (AgRead more
This is better, I can now visualize the war.
The next step would be telling us why stopping the war between humans is important to her.
Because she is a vampire but she is trying to save humanity, it would be good to at least hint at why.
Is she in love with a human? Or perhaps raised by humans? (Again I wouldn’t say more than a word or two if possible)
(One minor point, you don’t need to give the lead character’s proper name, saying she is a vampire warrior is strong enough)
This is definitely a step forward.
See lessHey guys, I shot a short film and need a little help on my logline. It’s been bothering me for months! It’s a romantic comedy. Short film. Do any of you have any suggestions on cleaning it up? Would love any help I could get. Thanks guys. “After burying themselves in their work and away from their friends, Two broken-hearted Twenty somethings are taken for a night out by their respective friends, only to cross paths over a game of pool, and falling for each other in the process.”
One more thing, if you want to cut it down even further. You could concentrate on the game of pool itself since that seems like the meat of your short film "When two broken-hearted twenty-somethings, meet over a game of pool..."
One more thing, if you want to cut it down even further. You could concentrate on the game of pool itself since that seems like the meat of your short film
“When two broken-hearted twenty-somethings, meet over a game of pool…”
See lessHey guys, I shot a short film and need a little help on my logline. It’s been bothering me for months! It’s a romantic comedy. Short film. Do any of you have any suggestions on cleaning it up? Would love any help I could get. Thanks guys. “After burying themselves in their work and away from their friends, Two broken-hearted Twenty somethings are taken for a night out by their respective friends, only to cross paths over a game of pool, and falling for each other in the process.”
Here is a try, tried not to change too much from your logline. "When two broken-hearted twenty-somethings, who've buried themselves in their work, are reluctantly taken for a night out by their respective friends, they end up meeting over a game of pool with emotional stakes higher than just who winRead more
Here is a try, tried not to change too much from your logline.
“When two broken-hearted twenty-somethings, who’ve buried themselves in their work, are reluctantly taken for a night out by their respective friends, they end up meeting over a game of pool with emotional stakes higher than just who wins and loses.”
See less