1. Posted: February 10, 2020In:

    When her husband takes a sabbatical from his family, and her children are placed in therapy, she struggles at parenting.

    Richiev Singularity

    This is shorter, more to the point. However, "Struggles at parenting" is not a goal. What is the lead character's goal that will be resolved at the end of the script?    

    This is shorter, more to the point.

    However, “Struggles at parenting” is not a goal.

    What is the lead character’s goal that will be resolved at the end of the script?

     

     

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  2. Posted: February 10, 2020In:

    Set against the Sierra Nevada foothills of the Gold Rush era where newly dominant white settlers rule, a young Mexican woman discovers she comes from a line of rebels led by folk-hero outlaw Joaquin Murieta. Nurtured by a cross-dressing Chinese madam and fueled by the unfair murder of her family, she recruits a wild bunch of female warriors to plot one of the most audacious rebellions the new state of California has ever seen.

    Richiev Singularity

    You have buried the hook: The lead character's family being murdered. ------------------------------------------------------------- "When her family is murdered by... (Give us a specific bad guy here) a Mexican woman recruits a wild bunch of female warrior and begins the most audacious rebellion theRead more

    You have buried the hook: The lead character’s family being murdered.

    ————————————————————-

    “When her family is murdered by… (Give us a specific bad guy here) a Mexican woman recruits a wild bunch of female warrior and begins the most audacious rebellion the new state of California has ever seen.”

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  3. Posted: February 10, 2020In:

    An outcast mother of four in an elite society learns that her husband?s vacation to Barcelona is more like a sabbatical from his family. With all four kids suspended from school and are in therapy, she struggles to gain respect in a judgmental society as well as be a good mother.  

    Richiev Singularity

    Unless Barcelona is important to the story, you can skip that detail in the logline. Also, you say the lead character is an outcast, but you haven't told us from where she has been cast out. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "When her husband takesRead more

    Unless Barcelona is important to the story, you can skip that detail in the logline.

    Also, you say the lead character is an outcast, but you haven’t told us from where she has been cast out.

    ————————————————————————————

    “When her husband takes a sabbatical from the family, a small-town woman, new to high society, must help her and her savant children navigate, and adjust to their new community.”

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