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After pledging his eyes posthumous, a highschool nerd must evade fatal attacks from a blind cameraman (on a hunt for matching doner)
Interesting premise. Where does the story take place? This seems like it would be a 'monster in the house' type story, if that is the case, if the lead is trapped in a specific space such as the school or at the mall after hours,? it would be good to tell us where the story takes place.
Interesting premise.
Where does the story take place? This seems like it would be a ‘monster in the house’ type story, if that is the case, if the lead is trapped in a specific space such as the school or at the mall after hours,? it would be good to tell us where the story takes place.
See lessA former public speaker with super senses and aggression behaviors and a lab scientist must stop a rich influential businessman from destroy the city with a serum provokes violence and aggression.
I get more of the sense of story from this version of the logline. I also have a better sense of what's at stake. However, I do not quite get why a businessman would want to destroy a city. Businessmen need law and order in order to sell their products or services. A riot or wanton destruction wouldRead more
I get more of the sense of story from this version of the logline. I also have a better sense of what’s at stake.
However, I do not quite get why a businessman would want to destroy a city. Businessmen need law and order in order to sell their products or services. A riot or wanton destruction would be the opposite of what a businessman would want.
Because of this, you may need to add just a little motivation in the logline for the businessman in order to understand why he is going against his nature.
Perhaps only the businessman has the cure for the serum, so the businessman is going to flood the city with the serum in order to make millions selling the cure.
Remember, Thanos killed half the population of the galaxy… but he had his reasons.
See lessSingle father and cat burglar Greg Valdez steals an ancient artifact and must outwit a 700-year-old madman to save the life of his son.
When does the son need saving? Before or after the father steals the artifact.In other words, does the father steal the artifact as part of a plan to save the son?Or does stealing the artifact set in motion a series of events that leads to the son needing to be saved? This isn't clear from the logliRead more
When does the son need saving? Before or after the father steals the artifact.
In other words, does the father steal the artifact as part of a plan to save the son?
Or does stealing the artifact set in motion a series of events that leads to the son needing to be saved? This isn’t clear from the logline.
Also, The first line needs re-written. When I first read the line, I thought you were talking about two different people, not one. In other words, it reads like: Single father (Character number one) and cat burglar Greg Valdez (Character number two)? steal an ancient artifact…
See lessHowever, with a few simple word changes, it is a simple fix.