1. Posted: March 7, 2019In:

    After a meek high-school junior is thrown out of her house by her authoritarian mother, she unwittingly gets drawn into drugs and human trafficking, and struggles at every turn to survive in this dangerous underworld.

    Richiev Singularity

    I like the premise. I think it's good. However, Protagonists are Proactive... but in your story, things happen to your lead character. In other words, the logline seems to be missing the lead character's goal? Adding the vital story element of a 'goal' to the logline will improve it greatly.

    I like the premise. I think it’s good.

    However, Protagonists are Proactive… but in your story, things happen to your lead character.
    In other words, the logline seems to be missing the lead character’s goal?

    Adding the vital story element of a ‘goal’ to the logline will improve it greatly.

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  2. Posted: March 7, 2019In:

    To fulfil her destiny, a young queen, who hates war, must unite her southland clans and lead them into one last, decisive battle against the invading barbarians from the north.

    Richiev Singularity

    I think you can drop the "To Fulfil her destiny" part of the logline since her motivation seems to be to save the kingdom. What sets the story in motion: When barbarians threaten her kingdom. Who is the lead character: I would probably say, a newly crowned queen What is her goal: Defend her kingdomRead more

    I think you can drop the “To Fulfil her destiny” part of the logline since her motivation seems to be to save the kingdom.

    What sets the story in motion: When barbarians threaten her kingdom.
    Who is the lead character: I would probably say, a newly crowned queen
    What is her goal: Defend her kingdom by uniting the clans.
    What is the conflict: You say she hates war, but that is an inner conflict. The conflict should be something like convincing two rival clan leaders to set aside their differences in order to create a united front against the barbarians. (Or whatever it is that makes her task seem impossible at the beginning of the story)

    “When barbarians threaten her kingdom, a newly crowned queen must unite the waring southern clans before the spring thaw if she is to save her realm from ruthless invaders.”

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  3. Posted: March 7, 2019In:

    2 LIFELONG RIVALS OF OVER 50 YRS BECOME FRIENDS AFTER A NEW PERSON THREATENS THEIR NEIGHBORHOOD TURF

    Richiev Singularity

    I like the premise, sort of grumpy old men meets Gran Torino.However, the logline needs a few specifics.1: Don't give away the end of the movie in the logline.If they are lifelong rivals, let us know they are 'forced' to team up,because half the fun of this story will be the bickering and fighting tRead more

    I like the premise, sort of grumpy old men meets Gran Torino.

    However, the logline needs a few specifics.

    1: Don’t give away the end of the movie in the logline.
    If they are lifelong rivals, let us know they are ‘forced’ to team up,
    because half the fun of this story will be the bickering and fighting these two men do while they are trying to defend their turf.
    The dredging up of 50-year-old arguments, and the realization that the entire rivalry might have been based on a lie or misunderstanding.

    2: You describe the antagonist as ‘a new person‘ but that could describe just about every single person on the planet.
    If he is a gang leader, say gang leader, if he is a ruthless land developer determined to gentrify their neighborhood tell us that.

    3: Which brings me to my third point. What is the threat to the neighborhood? What are the stakes if the two leads do not succeed, what bad thing will happen?
    Simply saying the antagonist ‘threatens their neighborhood turf, is vague and doesn’t tell us what the stakes are.

    4: You used the term ‘turf’ in the logline. Does this mean the two rivals are old school gangsters who have turf? And they are trying to defend it from a young upstart?
    or are they just suburban neighbors who have lived next door for 50 years who don’t like each other?

    I am going to try to add all these elements together for an example but yours will probably be different:
    ———————————-
    “When a shady land developer’s ruthless plan to gentrify the neighborhood threatens their houses, two feuding neighbors are forced to work together to stop the businessman’s plan before they lose their lifelong homes.”

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