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The Leader of a Specialized Law Enforcement Group must save himself and his team on a uncontrolled, flesh eating demon infested train before it crashes and destroy everything on board. (Revision 3)
I think this is the best attempt so far.However, I do like the previous goal of fighting their way to the engine room to stop the train better.?The train's going fast, maybe it is even a super train going 200 plus miles an hour, so the survivors are stuck on the train with the demons.In order to escRead more
I think this is the best attempt so far.
However, I do like the previous goal of fighting their way to the engine room to stop the train better.?
The train’s going fast, maybe it is even a super train going 200 plus miles an hour, so the survivors are stuck on the train with the demons.
In order to escape the train, they must get to the engine room and engage the brakes… and thus get away.
1: I would have some sort of ‘Boss’ in the train’s engine that they must fight in the third act. The big finale’
2: I would keep the idea of the train crashing in the script, as a third act reveal, Maybe the meteor that turned the passengers into demons hit a bridge, not the train.? In the third act they discover that the bridge is out, now the ante has been upped. Not only must they stop the train to escape, but they must now stop the train before it gets to the deadly ravine where the bridge has been destroyed.
Anyway, the logline is definitely better.
See lessAfter a fight with a pack of wolves, a emotionally volatile tachycardic is given superhuman senses, which places him and his girlfriend in danger from an unstoppable tyrannical businessman. (Revision 2)
"When he's targeted by a ruthless businessman who wants his powers, a teacher with the newly acquired power to read minds must use his powers to evade the egomaniac's henchmen, or end up a lab rat for the rest of his life."?
“When he’s targeted by a ruthless businessman who wants his powers, a teacher with the newly acquired power to read minds must use his powers to evade the egomaniac’s henchmen, or end up a lab rat for the rest of his life.”?
See lessWhen a less than confident daughter attends her parents wild 60th Wedding Anniversary Party without her husband, her image obsessed mother nit-picks her to reveal that her marriage is over.
1: You seem to be missing a goal for the lead character.2: Less than confident, 3 words---Insecure; one word. In a logline, less is better...3: You describer her as a 'daughter', then two words later tell us she is attending her 'parents' anniversary. If she has parents then we know she is a daughteRead more
1: You seem to be missing a goal for the lead character.
2: Less than confident, 3 words—Insecure; one word. In a logline, less is better…
3: You describer her as a ‘daughter’, then two words later tell us she is attending her ‘parents‘ anniversary. If she has parents then we know she is a daughter by default. Therefore instead of describing her as a ‘daughter’ try using a different word. For instance: “When an insecure accountant attends her parents wild anniversary bash…”
By using the word accountant in my example, it helps the reader understand how this is a fish out of water story. Accountants are seen as ‘reserved’ but she is attending a ‘wild’ anniversary bash. In other words, we see the potential conflict.
Hope this helps
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