1. Posted: October 24, 2016In:

    When her boyfriend is forced to participate in an experiment that trains him to kill, a perfect student must abandon school to find him and save him before he kills her, himself, or them both.

    Richiev Singularity

    1st: This is a clearer picture of what's going on?than your first attempt, however, I would still work on the wording How about this for the opening line: "When her boyfriend is forced to become an assassin..." ----- 2nd: ?I would try to add a step. The overall objective is to save her boyfriend, buRead more

    1st: This is a clearer picture of what’s going on?than your first attempt, however, I would still work on the wording

    How about this for the opening line: “When her boyfriend is forced to become an assassin…”
    —–
    2nd: ?I would try to add a step. The overall objective is to save her boyfriend, but for the logline I would concentrate on ‘how’ she plans on doing that.

    For instance, is he forced to become an assassin because they have kidnapped someone he loves. If so then the step would be, “She must save his sister so her boyfriend can escape their clutches”

    In other words, I would add to the logline, The lead must (Do this thing) in order to save her boyfriend.
    —–
    3rd: This is more of a question. How does she know her boyfriend is being trained to kill if she doesn’t know where he is? Is this an open experiment which everyone knows about or is it a secret experiment? Because if it’s a secret experiment then the inciting incident would actually be when she discovers her missing boyfriend is being forced to become an assassin.

    Anyway I believe your logline is heading in the right direction. Good luck with this!

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  2. Posted: October 23, 2016In:

    When a zombie virus infects a small Southern town, a pregnant teen must fight the undead while hiding her condition from her conservative family.

    Richiev Singularity

    On a weird note. I believe a zombie virus would be a virus that infects zombies and makes them sick. I don't think that is what you mean by that line. How about this: When a virus turn locals into zombies...

    On a weird note. I believe a zombie virus would be a virus that infects zombies and makes them sick. I don’t think that is what you mean by that line. How about this:

    When a virus turn locals into zombies…

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  3. Posted: October 23, 2016In:

    She has a bright future, but when her boyfriend gets caught up in an experiment with murderous implications, she must find him, survive his brainwashed mind, and do whatever it takes to bring him home.

    Richiev Singularity

    She has a bright future... as a what? ?A lawyer? A doctor? A dental hygienist? But when her boyfriend gets caught up in an experiment with murderous implications... I don't know what this means. I know what murder means, but what does murderous implications mean. What is a murderous implication? DoeRead more

    She has a bright future… as a what? ?A lawyer? A doctor? A dental hygienist?

    But when her boyfriend gets caught up in an experiment with murderous implications… I don’t know what this means. I know what murder means, but what does murderous implications mean. What is a murderous implication? Does her boyfriend implicate someone for murder?

    She must survive his brain washed mind… does this mean she enters his mind in some sci-fi technique? Is she trapped in his mind?

    and do whatever it takes to bring him home… where did he go? England? Russia? Middle Earth? If her boyfriend went somewhere. You should name the place she needs to bring him back from. If this is figurative then you should drop this line.

    I honestly do not know what this story is about from reading this logline. I believe some specifics will help clarify your storyline.

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