1. Posted: October 29, 2016In:

    A once-promising boxer turns to highline crime to save his cancer-stricken mother. But when an Aryan Brotherhood kingpin threatens the mother of his unborn child, he must confront the demons of his past – even if it means paying the ultimate price.

    Richiev Singularity

    If a straight line is the shortest distance between two points... you have given us an S curve of a logline :)I believe the first step to improving this logline is to have the goal match the inciting incident.In your story you have two inciting incidents: The first is his mother getting cancer, whicRead more

    If a straight line is the shortest distance between two points… you have given us an S curve of a logline 🙂

    I believe the first step to improving this logline is to have the goal match the inciting incident.

    In your story you have two inciting incidents: The first is his mother getting cancer, which leads to his life of crime, the second is when the mother of is unborn child is threatened by the Aryan brotherhood kingpin.

    Neither one of these inciting incidents actually correlate to his goal or action of ‘confront the demons of his past’… No he must confront the kingpin! No matter how ?much inward thought he gives his past, it won’t protect the mother of his child or cure his mother of cancer. He must take action not contemplate the meaning of life.

    1: I would stay with the ‘Kingpin” inciting incident and drop the cancer angle in the logline, since there is no payoff for it.

    2: Then I would drop the whole, ‘he must confront the demons of his past’, and tell us what he must do to save the mother of his child.

    3: Finally I would drop the line ‘even if it means paying the ultimate price‘- since it adds nothing to the logline)

    Hope that helped, good luck with this!

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: October 26, 2016In:

    When a pregnant schoolteacher learns that her father is the half-man/half-bear who slaughtered her family, she teams up with a transexual scientist to convince the monster in becoming the high school mascot.

    Richiev Singularity

    The goal should related to the inciting incident. For an example if this were your inciting incident: "When the school mascot dies on the brink of the big game..." Then we could see how the goal would relate to the incident that set the story in motion. In your logline the goal sort of comes out ofRead more

    The goal should related to the inciting incident.

    For an example if this were your inciting incident: “When the school mascot dies on the brink of the big game…” Then we could see how the goal would relate to the incident that set the story in motion.

    In your logline the goal sort of comes out of the blue. Your logline is heading in one direction then BOOM apropos?of nothing you give us a goal that seems to have little to do with first part of the logline.

    As a result I would tweak your logline so that the goal would be directly related to the inciting incident.

    Hope that helps, good luck!

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: October 27, 2016In:

    Chad Tully, a college dropout turn travel agent living in Manhattan, receives news that his family’s property in the Outback of Australia is facing foreclosure. So, when Jerry Hampton, an ageing reality TV star comes in to plan a vacation, Chad books him into his family’s dilapidated property, passing it off as a five-star resort, hoping he will invest, saving the property.

    Richiev Singularity

    I am not sure what the story is... Is this a story about how a celebrity walks into a travel agency and the lead character who works there spends two hours trying to convince the celebrity ?his family home is actually a 5 star resort??? Or is this a story about what happens next. About the CelebrityRead more

    I am not sure what the story is…

    Is this a story about how a celebrity walks into a travel agency and the lead character who works there spends two hours trying to convince the celebrity ?his family home is actually a 5 star resort???

    Or is this a story about what happens next. About the Celebrity going to Australia and having to rough it in a beat down home masked as a 5 star resort?

    Because your logline, as written, seems more like a setup to a story than the story itself.

    See less
    • 0