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After giving a tape showing a ritual killing to a deputy. Both the tape and the deputy go missing. When he finds more tapes he needs to get them to the police and survive attacks from unknown individuals. PS: small town, he thinks the cops are involved.
I believe it would help if you told us a little bit about the lead character. Also, since the first tape went missing and he believes the police may be involved, it might be better if the second time his goal would be to take the new tapes to a different place... maybe the local news or the FBI.
I believe it would help if you told us a little bit about the lead character.
Also, since the first tape went missing and he believes the police may be involved, it might be better if the second time his goal would be to take the new tapes to a different place… maybe the local news or the FBI.
See lessAfter being imprisoned for a crime she didn’t commit, a young Christian Performer struggles against self doubt to find a way to use music to unite the prisoners and prove that God is her redeemer.
This loglines does paint a picture of what the story is about. I would stay away from lines such as "Struggles against self doubt." because it is too vague and not proactive. If possible I would personalize this just a little more. There should be a specific prisoner who she wants to save. Or perhapRead more
This loglines does paint a picture of what the story is about.
I would stay away from lines such as “Struggles against self doubt.” because it is too vague and not proactive.
If possible I would personalize this just a little more. There should be a specific prisoner who she wants to save.
Or perhaps a guard or official she is fighting against. Perhaps the warden is an atheist who opposes her ever step of the way.
Just some ideas.
I believe you have a solid set-up.
See lessThe logline should just be tweaked a little. Just add a personal element to who she is trying to save (or perhaps who is standing her way) and it will improve.
Revised Logline……When an introverted player from a footy obsessed family, is cut from the team, he joins the cheerleading squad, despite being bullied, he competes at the National Championships, losing his chance of a scholarship but gaining the love of his life.
A good situation, definitely room for comedy, maybe in the vein of fired up... However what's missing is the characters motivation. Why him? What's his goal? What will he lose if he fails to achieve that goal? As written you haven't given the reader any stakes. Since the lead is obsessed with rugby,Read more
A good situation, definitely room for comedy, maybe in the vein of fired up…
However what’s missing is the characters motivation. Why him? What’s his goal? What will he lose if he fails to achieve that goal?
As written you haven’t given the reader any stakes. Since the lead is obsessed with rugby, why would he even care if the squad wins or loses.
Once you have added the ‘why’ to the logline you will be much more likely to hook your reader.
Hope that helped, good luck with this.
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