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Haunted by the tragic loss of his estranged father, a young Samoan-American must choose between his corporate job or follow in his late father?s footsteps as the last in a long line of fire-knife dancers.
1: I don't believe you need the words?tragic or estranged, they actually take away from the logline."Haunted by the loss of his father..."2: Take out the word young?and give us a better adjectiveHaunted by the loss of his father, an upwardly mobile Samoan-American....3: Finally, I don't believe youRead more
1: I don’t believe you need the words?tragic or estranged, they actually take away from the logline.
“Haunted by the loss of his father…”
2: Take out the word young?and give us a better adjective
Haunted by the loss of his father, an upwardly mobile Samoan-American….
3: Finally, I don’t believe you should tell us he must choose but let us figure it out by setting up the conflict within the logline.
(However this means giving us a ‘bad guy’ or a ticking clock.)
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See less“Haunted by the loss of his father, an upwardly mobile Samoan-American defies his boss on the eve of a corporate merger and returns to his homeland where he becomes fascinated with his family heritage of fire dancing”
A tough social worker takes fighting women’s rights into her own hands but can she put her cultural, religious and family obligations aside to fight for herself.
You might want to watch the wording. If she is fighting women's rights, that would mean she is fighting against women's rights. However reading the rest of the logline that doesn't seem to be the case. You may want to re-word this slightly.
You might want to watch the wording. If she is fighting women’s rights, that would mean she is fighting against women’s rights. However reading the rest of the logline that doesn’t seem to be the case.
You may want to re-word this slightly.
See lessAfter being raped by her uncle when she was younger, a pastor’s daughter plots and carries out different ways of destroying her uncles family with coincidental mishaps causing their deaths over the years.
After being raped by her uncle when she was younger There is no immediacy. Why now? Either don't tell us about the rape and use it as a big reveal. or just say, "After being raped by her uncle." and drop the "When she was younger" Hope that helps
After being raped by her uncle when she was younger
There is no immediacy. Why now?
Either don’t tell us about the rape and use it as a big reveal.
or
just say, “After being raped by her uncle.” and drop the “When she was younger”
Hope that helps
See less