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An out-world war destines a bio-molecular energy, ineffectual in fusion with any previous life form to Planet Earth, where a benevolent and jubilant father-to-be unwittingly absorbs it and must engage in battle with the implacable beings pursuing the power source for galactic dominion.
One more thing, the events of the story seem to happen to the character, some of the story problems would be corrected if the lead character initiated the events. The lead character should seek out the power in order to protect his unborn daughter. Event: Aliens attack earth Action: Lead character sRead more
One more thing, the events of the story seem to happen to the character, some of the story problems would be corrected if the lead character initiated the events.
The lead character should seek out the power in order to protect his unborn daughter.
Event: Aliens attack earth
See lessAction: Lead character seeks out the power
Goal: Save the world for his unborn daughter.
An out-world war destines a bio-molecular energy, ineffectual in fusion with any previous life form to Planet Earth, where a benevolent and jubilant father-to-be unwittingly absorbs it and must engage in battle with the implacable beings pursuing the power source for galactic dominion.
You have written this as if the bio-molecular energy is the lead character. From previous attempts I don't believe this to be the case. Also, as DPG points out, this logline is hard to decipher. third, from reading previous loglines, I had pointed out that the energy could be construed as Gaia. PeopRead more
You have written this as if the bio-molecular energy is the lead character. From previous attempts I don’t believe this to be the case.
Also, as DPG points out, this logline is hard to decipher.
third, from reading previous loglines, I had pointed out that the energy could be construed as Gaia. People have an understanding of Gaia (an unimaginable energy that predates history) I have no idea what a bio molecular energy is.
Finally, you haven’t given us a clear inciting incident. Is it when aliens attack the earth? or is it when the father-to-be absorbs the power?
Give us an inciting incident, a clear lead character and an understandable explanation of the mysterious power and the logline will become far more clear.
Hope that helped.
See less"An ordinary young man, is physiologically transmuted by an unimaginable energy that predates history and is irrevocably forced to become humankind?s sole savior when a diabolical alien race, seeking that power wants to blow up the Earth."
Both 'Ordinary' and 'young' are weak character descriptions. You should give us a better description of your lead, it takes the same amount of words but can give the reader a better picture of who the lead is. Here would be a few examples of what I am talking about. Shy student Nerdy fast food workeRead more
Both ‘Ordinary’ and ‘young’ are weak character descriptions.
You should give us a better description of your lead, it takes the same amount of words but can give the reader a better picture of who the lead is. Here would be a few examples of what I am talking about.
Shy student
Nerdy fast food worker
introverted physics major.
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“When aliens attack the earth, an introverted physics major is transformed by the power of Gaia and tasked with saving the planet from their destructive extraterrestrial strip mining.”
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Hope this helps, good luck!
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