1. Posted: October 1, 2015In:

    An Empress too pacific to take a stand allows the relationship with her neighbors countries turn sour, while one of them demands more resources from her country and she refuses, war breaks out between them.

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    What kind of world are we in? ?I think that's important to know up front because use of the word Empress lets me know we're not in current times. My initial thought was that it might be worded better like: Despite her good intentions, a weak-willed Empress allows war to break out... (because the worRead more

    What kind of world are we in? ?I think that’s important to know up front because use of the word Empress lets me know we’re not in current times.
    My initial thought was that it might be worded better like: Despite her good intentions, a weak-willed Empress allows war to break out… (because the word pacific is not generally used this way in my experience.)
    It’s important that we know what she must now do as a result of this if she is truly the protagonist. ?And is there an antagonist on the other side? ?Right now it looks like the antagonist is another entire country.

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  2. Posted: October 2, 2015In:

    Deep in the trenches of a secret war against monsters that threaten humanity, a battle-weary young woman struggles to prepare her new trainee for combat when the truth behind her sister?s death on the frontlines comes to light.

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    Any way you can be more specific about what "laws of the universe" have fractured? ?It is dramatically written, I'm just not clear enough on exactly what has taken place. ?Battle weary makes it sound like there is a war going on. ?Is there? ?Between monsters and humanity?

    Any way you can be more specific about what “laws of the universe” have fractured? ?It is dramatically written, I’m just not clear enough on exactly what has taken place. ?Battle weary makes it sound like there is a war going on. ?Is there? ?Between monsters and humanity?

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  3. Posted: September 28, 2015In:

    A lifelong wimp must learn to finally stand up for himself when his son is bullied by a mean boy with an even meaner dad.

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    I like this and I think it's very relevant. ?I agree with being more specific. ?The words "must learn" don't really convey action. ?I find myself wondering things like does he take karate lessons alongside?his kid? ? It's also a comedy, so I would punch it up and let us see the comedy playing out inRead more

    I like this and I think it’s very relevant. ?I agree with being more specific. ?The words “must learn” don’t really convey action. ?I find myself wondering things like does he take karate lessons alongside?his kid? ? It’s also a comedy, so I would punch it up and let us see the comedy playing out in our heads. ?If someone doesn’t know it’s a comedy, they should be able to get that from the logline and almost laugh or smile just from the premise. ?It makes me think of the premise for Liar Liar – the logline wouldn’t state that “a dad must learn not to lie”, instead it makes sure we know the dad is a lawyer who must go a full day without lying and that in itself makes us smile because it begins to play out in our heads.

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