1. Posted: February 24, 2020In:

    After finally arriving home after months in hospital with leukemia, a pragmatic pharmaceutical statistician struggles with ?normal? life as he builds himself back up to running 10k races again.

    Trix Samurai

    Hi Mike, when I read this, I thought of 'Stronger' for some reason... must be just the running element triggered something in my mind. ?Having said that, I wonder if there is something to be said for a part of feedback being exactly that - "your logline reminded me of xxx"? ?If it does this to me, wRead more

    Hi Mike, when I read this, I thought of ‘Stronger’ for some reason… must be just the running element triggered something in my mind. ?Having said that, I wonder if there is something to be said for a part of feedback being exactly that – “your logline reminded me of xxx”? ?If it does this to me, would it do it to a potential producer and would that be a good or bad thing?

    Anyhow:

    • “After finally arriving home after months in hospital with leukaemia” – consider “After receiving the all clear from leukaemia”.
    • I had to google pharmaceutical statistician LOL… Is it his job and his pragmatism that is going to cause a lot of internal or external conflict (or both)? ?I can totally see this guy who is all about figures and practicality struggling to cope with the random nature of both illness and recovery.
    • Why does he run? ?What is it in his character that drives this desire? ?To keep fit, to push himself?
    • I wonder if his goal is a specific race – like a once a year marathon or the like?
    • I also wonder if giving him a different goal may be worth considering? ?Something that would marry his pragmatic brain/need for order with his need to accept not all things can be analysed or predicted?
    • Is your inciting incident his all clear from leukaemia?
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  2. Posted: February 24, 2020In:

    After a heart attack on his highschool graduation, an obese mama’s boy sets off to lose a hundred pounds before starting college, in the hopes of getting laid and avoiding an early grave.

    Trix Samurai

    To me, the ?pursue girls? of your new logline is still a bit anti-climactic. ?It?s too close to (but not even as specific as) ?get laid?. Maybe there is already a specific girl? ?Maybe his trainer is a girl and the B-story? ?Not that they have to end up together, but maybe he can help her see the inRead more

    To me, the ?pursue girls? of your new logline is still a bit anti-climactic. ?It?s too close to (but not even as specific as) ?get laid?.

    Maybe there is already a specific girl? ?Maybe his trainer is a girl and the B-story? ?Not that they have to end up together, but maybe he can help her see the inner beauty in her own personal life. ?His love story could be hinted at as the warm fuzzy promise of things to come right at the end?

    Originally your logline read as a Porky?s style flick (god that ages me! LOL), but your response above suggests a deeper message delivered with humour.

    Why is he a mama?s boy? ?How could that relationship shape his story? ?Is it because (as Nir suggested) his father died (of a heart attack?) and she?s wrapped him in cotton wool? ?Is it because she?s remarrying and she wants him to be able to walk her down the aisle?

    The concept is really growing on me as I?ve not come across a story where such a young MC has a heart attack at a mile-stone event? I can see a film opening on that inciting incident and being hooked to find out how the hell did this happen and where is this kid?s life going to go from here.

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  3. Posted: February 22, 2020In:

    When Superpowered Nelly discovers that her mother is not really death, but a lie implanted in her head, she goes on a crazy journey to discover the truth, but her evil father has other plans for her.

    Trix Samurai

    Hi Birdman, I agree with the others: Superpowered - are we in a superpower world or is this power a result of some part of the story? A crazy journey - this could mean anything. ?What is she searching for? ?Her mother? ?The truth about what specifically? Her evil father feels quite comic book - thatRead more

    Hi Birdman, I agree with the others:

    • Superpowered – are we in a superpower world or is this power a result of some part of the story?
    • A crazy journey – this could mean anything. ?What is she searching for? ?Her mother? ?The truth about what specifically?
    • Her evil father feels quite comic book – that may be the feel you’re going for, but the father needs more motivation than just being evil – he’s the hero in his own story.
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