1. Posted: February 20, 2020In:

    When a sexually repressed teenage boy with a sex therapist mother is approached by his money savvy high school classmate, together they start a sex therapy business at school.

    Trix Samurai

    LOL - ?great series... is your logline missing Otis's crush on Maeve? ?(Maybe "money savvy high school crush"? ?To me this was his guiding force, not money (that was hers). ?He was also socially awkward but I see why sexually repressed is the irony of having a sex therapist parent.

    LOL – ?great series… is your logline missing Otis’s crush on Maeve? ?(Maybe “money savvy high school crush”? ?To me this was his guiding force, not money (that was hers). ?He was also socially awkward but I see why sexually repressed is the irony of having a sex therapist parent.

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  2. Posted: February 20, 2020In:

    After a machete wielding gang murder his partner, a vengeful drug mule hides with a geriatric cripple in his station wagon, to chase and kill the psychotic crew.

    Trix Samurai

    Hi Nir, I'm guessing that there would be some comedic elements to the story - dark humour? ?The geriatric cripple definitely make me smile! ?(not sure what that says about me!!!) My thoughts are: Do you need "After a machete wielding gang murder his partner" - would "When a gang murder his partner"Read more

    Hi Nir,

    I’m guessing that there would be some comedic elements to the story – dark humour? ?The geriatric cripple definitely make me smile! ?(not sure what that says about me!!!) My thoughts are:

    • Do you need “After a machete wielding gang murder his partner” – would “When a gang murder his partner” suffice?
    • I’m not sure of the connection of the drug mule to the geriatric cripple with a station wagon? ? It seems like a random pairing.
    • “Vengeful” – is this needed as you already infer revenge in his actions? ?Could you describe him another way?
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  3. Posted: February 20, 2020In:

    The unexpected arrival of young man claiming to be an estranged relative raises a family’s suspicions when a string of crimes rattles their community.

    Trix Samurai

    Hi Adamu95, I think your logline has promise, but it leaves me a little cold... It doesn't really grab me. ?My initial thoughts are: Do you need "the unexpected arrival"? ?If he's claiming to be an estranged relative, this is implied. "a string of crimes" could be amped up... murders? rapes? otherwiRead more

    Hi Adamu95, I think your logline has promise, but it leaves me a little cold… It doesn’t really grab me. ?My initial thoughts are:

    • Do you need “the unexpected arrival”? ?If he’s claiming to be an estranged relative, this is implied.
    • “a string of crimes” could be amped up… murders? rapes? otherwise it could be pickpocketing.
    • “young man” is too vague… is he charismatic, caring? Something that would throw them off the scent of suspicion.
    • “raises a family’s suspicions”… not sure how, but maybe make this a little more concrete?

    What’s your inciting incident? ?His arrival or the first crime? ?Maybe if you post a little of the overall plot, it will allow reviewers to give more focussed suggestions.

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