1. Posted: February 18, 2020In:

    A pizza delivery driver that resents Superheroes, is inadvertently stuck protecting one when the worlds greatest supervillain arrives in his city during a typical afternoon shift.

    Trix Samurai

    I agree with the other comments, additional thoughts are: Have you seen Bad Boys? ?It's a series set in a world where superheroes exist and everyone loves them but when one accidentally kills an innocent girl, her boyfriend joins a team bent on taking the heroes down/exposing them (from memory!) MayRead more

    I agree with the other comments, additional thoughts are:

    • Have you seen Bad Boys? ?It’s a series set in a world where superheroes exist and everyone loves them but when one accidentally kills an innocent girl, her boyfriend joins a team bent on taking the heroes down/exposing them (from memory!)
    • Maybe your MC has also had some bad experience that was covered up/not taken seriously? ?This would give him a reason for resentment and add conflict when he is forced to protect a hero?
    • Why he has to protect the hero is crucial – the hero must be powerless or unconscious? ?Or at least seriously reduced in power… maybe all they have is their experience and can act as a mentor type figure? ?Also, he needs a motive to protect the hero? ?Is the nemesis threatening another family member caught up in their sparring matches and he can’t lose anyone else? ?Is protecting the hero the only option to protect something (or someone) else he holds dear?
    • What is the protagonist’s arc? ?Does the hero make him see beyond his resentment? ?Does he realise the hero’s life is not all it’s made out? ?Does the hero help the protagonist become a non-powered superhero himself?
    • Why is he a pizza delivery guy? ?Is there some occupation that would give him a special angle and provide unique skills that help take down the villain?
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  2. Posted: February 18, 2020In:

    A reckless, arrogant young Jewish hospital messenger rescues his relatives from the liquidation of the ghetto and becomes the last leader of the Warsaw ghetto uprising.

    Trix Samurai

    Hi Nicolas, I like your premise - it being the 75th anniversary of the Aushwitz-Birkenau liberation also makes it topical (although there will be additional upcomin anniversaries that resonate). ?I agree with others - an inciting incident and a simplification of the logline are needed. ?Here are myRead more

    Hi Nicolas,

    I like your premise – it being the 75th anniversary of the Aushwitz-Birkenau liberation also makes it topical (although there will be additional upcomin anniversaries that resonate). ?I agree with others – an inciting incident and a simplification of the logline are needed. ?Here are my thoughts:

    • I have no idea what a hospital messenger is – could you make him a doctor, dentist, surgeon? ?Increasing his skill set and importance could add depth.
    • Consider changing the protagonist to a woman? ?She could be a doctor, or more likely a nurse in those days?
    • The I.I. could be when the protagonist learns of the date the ghetto will be liquidated? ?Maybe they are the only one allowed in and out to complete certain tasks or they befriended a soldier? ?This could give you an inciting incident, stakes, and a deadline to work towards.
    • If the protagonist’s relatives are in the ghetto, is the protagonist also in the ghetto? ?After all they have Jewish blood? ?Or are they undiscovered – this could also add stakes.
    • I’m not sure why reckless and arrogant are used for the protagonist? ?Reckless could potentially put their family in more danger.
    • I’m not sure what significance them being the ‘last’ leader of the ghetto uprising has? ?Can they just be a leader?
    • Do they set out to rescue their relatives, but then lead the whole ghetto?
    • Is this based on a true story?
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  3. Posted: February 13, 2020In:

    Title: The Getaway When a retired from crime convict is released from prison she must redeem herself to win back the trust of her daughter. But when her daughter ends up kidnapped by a criminal mastermind, she is put through multiple lethal corrupted jobs, to save her child before its too late, and risk going back to prison which she vowed to leave forever.

    Trix Samurai

    Hi Keeks, I agree with Mike - especially about it being easier to critique someone else's Logline than it is to write your own! LOL. Here are my thoughts: I like your title... The Getaway suggests both the MC getting away from crime and maybe the new job she is forced to perform - could she be the gRead more

    Hi Keeks,

    I agree with Mike – especially about it being easier to critique someone else’s Logline than it is to write your own! LOL. Here are my thoughts:

    • I like your title… The Getaway suggests both the MC getting away from crime and maybe the new job she is forced to perform – could she be the getaway driver? (never seen a woman in this kind of role before).
    • Things to strip out as redundant in my mind are “retired from crime” – ex-con… I don’t think you need to state she’s just been released from prison?, “she is put through multiple… etc” – blackmailed to perform one last job, “risking going back to prison” – delete.
    • Maybe she is the best at what she did, and the criminal mastermind is an old boss/accomplice? Maybe their last job together landed her in jail? That could give them a connection and a reason for the mastermind (maybe another woman?) to kidnap her daughter as a means to blackmail her?
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