1. Posted: March 20, 2020In:

    When a playboy becomes entangled with a set of polyamorous, jet-setting nomads – he falls in love with an unavailable woman, whilst a suicidal nubile teen, falls madly in love with him.

    Trix Samurai

    Wow - you do have a lot going on! ?I feel like I'd get an STI just reading that logline! LOL I think it has legs as an idea... Are the jet-setting nomads a group? Or are they just like-minded individuals? ?I'm wondering if they are a group, that even being polyamorous may have its confines (unless tRead more

    Wow – you do have a lot going on! ?I feel like I’d get an STI just reading that logline! LOL

    I think it has legs as an idea…

    • Are the jet-setting nomads a group? Or are they just like-minded individuals? ?I’m wondering if they are a group, that even being polyamorous may have its confines (unless they’re just free to shag whoever they like?)
    • I love a love triangle, and wonder if you could tweet the teen into a kind of menage a trois? ?I can’t see how she fits in the logline at present.
    • Is this a bit James Bondy? The jet-setting, the playboy (and the word ‘nubile’!) all hint at a slightly kitsch, dated feel (that’s a good thing in my opinion!)
    • Why is the woman unavailable? ?Because she’s polyamorous and refuses to be monogamous? ?I like that irony of a playboy finally finding ‘the one’ only for her to want more than one.

    Regards
    Trix

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  2. Posted: March 19, 2020In:

    A disgraced mecha pilot searches for a cure to his ailing health against the government’s wishes. As he reunites his former comrades and combats pursuing government agents, he discovers the rogue AI responsible for his condition, and must stop it before its plans to “purify” the world come to fruition.

    Trix Samurai

    Hi PyroPanda, I can instantly see the film you're describing which is a great thing... I just think you have squeezed too much into your logline - it reads more like a mini synopsis than the core of your idea. Who is the main antagonist? ?The government or the rogue AI? ?I'd choose one for the logliRead more

    Hi PyroPanda,

    I can instantly see the film you’re describing which is a great thing… I just think you have squeezed too much into your logline – it reads more like a mini synopsis than the core of your idea.

    • Who is the main antagonist? ?The government or the rogue AI? ?I’d choose one for the logline (the other is part of your plot).
    • Reuniting former comrades and combatting government agents are also more plot than logline (unless these are your main antagonists).
    • I’m not sure if people will know what a mecha pilot is (I didn’t). ?I’m also not sure what it has to do with the logline as initially I presumed his ailing health was related to being in this mechanic suit… then we have the government cover up, which made me think they are to blame, but then he finds the AI which is more advanced than mechanical and sounds like it is operating independently from the government – this could be a reveal in your plot, but it’s too confusing for a logline.
    • I would start by stripping out elements that are not his core objective.
    • Why is his health failing?
    • Who is the main antagonist?
    • What is his main objective? ?To cure himself or save the world from the AI? ?I’m guessing it should be the latter as without that he’d die anyway.
    • Why is he disgraced? ?Is it linked to the plot? ?If not, it should be.
    • Are his comrades also ill? ?Telling us a bit more about the plot may help people offer more focussed suggestions.

    Regards
    Trix

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  3. Posted: March 19, 2020In:

    ?When her husband tragically dies, a depressed young widow honors his last wish to pass along his sacred heirloom to their firstborn son; otherwise, a generation of blessings will turn to generations of curses. But after a ruthless adversary steals the heirloom, ?the widow struggles to retrieve it before an evil curse is brought upon her son.

    Trix Samurai

    Hi Melissa, Did you update the logline? ?I'm wondering if a sentence was tagged on after dpg's questions? ? My suggestions are: Delete "when her husband tragically dies" - You don't need this as you have a depressed young widow which already tells us that info. It looks like your inciting incident cRead more

    Hi Melissa,

    Did you update the logline? ?I’m wondering if a sentence was tagged on after dpg’s questions? ? My suggestions are:

    • Delete “when her husband tragically dies” – You don’t need this as you have a depressed young widow which already tells us that info.
    • It looks like your inciting incident could be the theft of the heirloom? ?That seems to trigger your widow’s story, otherwise as dpg said, she could just hand the heirloom over.
    • Why would someone steal the heirloom? ?Does it bestow blessings on whoever holds it? ?In which case, they must be amazing to make up for the risk of being cursed!
    • Telling us the nature of the blessings and curses would help – otherwise they could be anything from having good teeth/fame/fabulous wealth, to acne/knock knees/death.
    • I would strip your logline down to: A depressed young widow must retrieve a family heirloom before a generation of curses is bestowed on her firstborn son. ?Then start swapping out words and adding in elements to answer these types of questions.

    Have you seen Ready or Not? https://www.imdb.com/title/tt7798634/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1? It sounds like a similar premise – every person that marries into the family must play a game on their wedding night. ?Chances are they randomly select a game of having to survive until dawn. ?If they do, the blessings (wealth) the family has enjoyed will be stripped from them and they will all die in the newbie’s place.

    Regards
    Trix

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