1. Posted: March 31, 2020In:

    When a high-flying stockbroker with ADHD is charged with insider-trading, he battles to prove his sanity to a disbelieving Court and that the disease caused his lawlessness.

    Trix Samurai

    Hi Leon, I was intrigued by your logline, but I'll be honest, not as it stands with ADHD/sanity/disease teamed together. ?Here's what it made me think: Whilst ADHD isn't the first thing that springs to my mind for a high performing broker, have you chosen this to focus on how ADHD can be an asset toRead more

    Hi Leon,

    I was intrigued by your logline, but I’ll be honest, not as it stands with ADHD/sanity/disease teamed together. ?Here’s what it made me think:

    • Whilst ADHD isn’t the first thing that springs to my mind for a high performing broker, have you chosen this to focus on how ADHD can be an asset to a broker (absorbing a ton of data all at once/energetic personality, rather than the potentially negative impulsiveness/inattentiveness)?
    • Why does he have to prove his sanity? ?Surely he’d just have to prove how a negatively viewed disorder can actually be used to his advantage? ?Or does he have to prove that his ADHD is real, rather than an excuse for his behaviour (a viewpoint that has caused controversy for decades)?
    • Why isn’t he medicated? ? Because he wouldn’t perform as well?
    • I wouldn’t label it a ‘disease’ – it’s considered a psychiatric disorder.
    • If he’s good at his job, why was he charged with insider dealing rather than attributing this to his track record? ?(Not my area of knowledge – is it because of the money he made or because he shouldn’t know anything about a particular company?)

    Regards
    Trix

    A high-flying stockbroker must prove his success is attributed to his ADHD when his latest deal results in $Xbn and a charge of insider trading.

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  2. Posted: March 22, 2020In:

    1960 (USA) Two criminals parked roadside, one black, one white, they wait for money to be picked up, but a battle of wits breaks out resulting in one being shot and the money disappearing.

    Trix Samurai

    I like the premise of your story - I also think your argument/theme posed about justified 'badness' and maybe levels of badness (I'm a thief but at least I'm not a murderer, I'm a murderer but at least I'm not a paedophile etc.) is a great way to generate debate and engage the audience. I can totallRead more

    I like the premise of your story – I also think your argument/theme posed about justified ‘badness’ and maybe levels of badness (I’m a thief but at least I’m not a murderer, I’m a murderer but at least I’m not a paedophile etc.) is a great way to generate debate and engage the audience.

    I can totally see this playing out in some remote place, maybe with a derelict gas station in the background… something really raw and almost claustrophobic about it (the way Phone Booth did).

    However, as yqwertz pointed out, your logline reads as a summary of a part of your script rather than as the central conflict of the entire thing. ?And, whilst we don’t have to ‘care’ about them personally, in this kind of story it may be advantageous to include some emotional hook to stop people dismissing it too easily.

    Regards
    Trix

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  3. Posted: March 23, 2020In:

    A former child actor’s life has turned upside down when he mentors a teenage boy who looks like him during his younger days.

    Trix Samurai

    I'm not sure why you had drug dealer in the first place... why would seeing someone who looks like his younger self turn his life upside down?I realise you've changed it to 'former child actor' but this is such an extreme change, that I wondered how it could be done whilst leaving the rest of the loRead more

    I’m not sure why you had drug dealer in the first place… why would seeing someone who looks like his younger self turn his life upside down?

    I realise you’ve changed it to ‘former child actor’ but this is such an extreme change, that I wondered how it could be done whilst leaving the rest of the logline intact? ?Surely the motivation was embedded within the entire sentence.

    Changing it to a former child actor, actually makes it work really well for me (which is why I’m so surprised you had a drug dealer in the first place)… either you’ve struck lucky, or there’s some method to your madness?

    This needs a bit of work, but is so much better in its construction than previous loglines. ?I can see why a former (possibly forgotten) child actor would be impacted by a rising star who looks just like him, it sounds like he could either mentor this boy to avoid all the mistakes he made and therefore progress to becoming the successful adult actor he could never be himself, or he could jealously sabotage his career so that the teen also becomes a forgotten child actor that once showed promise but falls into obscurity.

    I’d work on this some more and refine it to clarify what the story is – starting with being specific about how his life is turned upside down.

    I really like this idea.

    Regards
    Trix

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