1. Posted: April 8, 2020In:

    A smart but directionless food delivery boy is mistakenly given the kiss of death from a psychotic gangster and must outwit the mob in order to survive and get his life back on track

    Trix Samurai

    Hi guswakey, I really like your premise - I can totally see it playing out for comedic value. ?I think Craig has pretty much knocked this on the head, and your second logline reads so much better. ? I'm thinking about how you can fine-tune it... my thoughts are along these lines: 'smart but directioRead more

    Hi guswakey,

    I really like your premise – I can totally see it playing out for comedic value. ?I think Craig has pretty much knocked this on the head, and your second logline reads so much better. ? I’m thinking about how you can fine-tune it… my thoughts are along these lines:

    • ‘smart but directionless’ – as Craig says, how does this impact the script. ?This will be the beginning of his growth arc, so I’m guessing he’s smart because you want him to be able to figure out what to do? ?And directionless is covering a backstory of why he’s working as a pizza boy rather than using his intellect? ?So by the end of the story he’ll be smart and have a direction in life? ?What will this direction be? ?How will this help him convince a mafia don they made a mistake and how will this successful mission give him direction in life? ?What flaws will it fix and how?
    • I guess his family being threatened is a threat for him to come out of hiding? ?If they are held hostage, why wouldn’t he just use himself as a bargaining chip to get access to the Don? ?Problem sorted – or at least family saved?
    • Who was supposed to get the kiss? ?Would locating them help him in his mission (without throwing them under the bus of course)?
    • Why pizza? ?If he can be any kind of delivery boy, I’d choose one that helps you in your plot/comes in useful in the solution… it may be pizza still, or it could be documents, medicine?

    Regards
    Trix

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  2. Posted: April 8, 2020In:

    A very old and dying president, A secret services chief and the commander chief of the military of a dictatorship gathered in secrecy to discuss the future of the country and the matters of power succesion. They will come to realize that schemes and plots are at play and they don’t share the same vision of how a governement should be

    Trix Samurai

    Hi AO31, It reads like you're still working through an idea here... there is a potential clash of objectives but as Richiev has asked, who are we following? ?Why? ?What for? ?It's hard to comment on it as it stands as we can guess there's conflict in the meeting, but that's about it. ?My thoughts arRead more

    Hi AO31,

    It reads like you’re still working through an idea here… there is a potential clash of objectives but as Richiev has asked, who are we following? ?Why? ?What for? ?It’s hard to comment on it as it stands as we can guess there’s conflict in the meeting, but that’s about it. ?My thoughts are:

    • ‘A dying president’ – drop the ‘very old’…
    • It reads as though they are all in a dictatorship? ?If so, wouldn’t the president simply ‘dictate’ what will happen, end of story?
    • Choose who we are following – who has the most to lose/gain? ?Who would change the most by the end of the story?
    • Give us what they are worried about/what they find out using the meeting – what are the plots and schemes? ?Better still, maybe pick one? ?Is there a specific person scheming against them that could be your antagonist? ?Or are they going to fight each other?

    In all time, but especially times like these, there will be a massive appetite for seeing behind the curtains of dictatorships around the world. ?I think you are looking at a really interesting area – we just need to know why. ?Giving us the outline of your story will help people comment further.

    Regards
    Trix

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  3. Posted: April 8, 2020In:

    After mythology’s most vicious monsters and history’s most heinous criminals escape from hell, a neurotic college-sophomore finds herself imbued with the power to send these evildoers back from whence they came.

    Best Answer
    Trix Samurai

    Hi JBalmer,I like your premise - this kind of thing is right up my street, definitely something I'd watch as a TV show or a film. ?My initial thoughts are:I feel like you have 2 inciting incidents? ?1) the evildoers escaping, 2) the sophomore being imbues with power...Did anyone else come out of helRead more

    Hi JBalmer,

    I like your premise – this kind of thing is right up my street, definitely something I’d watch as a TV show or a film. ?My initial thoughts are:

    • I feel like you have 2 inciting incidents? ?1) the evildoers escaping, 2) the sophomore being imbues with power…
    • Did anyone else come out of hell? ?What about the lesser evildoers? ? I think you’re using a lot of word count when you could lump the monsters and criminals together with one description.
    • Feels a bit like a neurotic Buffy? ?What makes this so different – is it a ‘Willow’ spin-off?
    • It reads as though you’ve summed up what happens – the sophomore has the power to send them back… so where are the stakes?
    • ‘Finds herself imbued with the power’ – this is very vague… is she a chosen one?
    • ‘College-sophomore’… this means nothing to me in the UK – are there different types of sophomore or can you drop the college tag?
    • Consider rephrasing it focussing on one inciting incident and outlining or implying what’s at stake…
    • A rough shot… A neurotic sophomore must fulfil her destiny to save the world when hell unleashes its most heinous monsters to overthrow humanity.

    Regards
    Trix

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