1. Posted: August 8, 2013In:

    When a tough, beloved gay uncle of a large Maori family starts dressing in drag, he is met with opposition from his family, the town and a notorious Maori gang who everyone wants to get rid of.

    wilsondownunder Penpusher

    Hi, Ive had a go at condensing it down: When a beloved uncle starts dressing in drag, he is met with opposition from his tough Maori family, the town and a notorious gang who terrorise the locals. I guess the only thing missing is what he does next...I'm guessing he overcomes the gang to the benefitRead more

    Hi, Ive had a go at condensing it down:

    When a beloved uncle starts dressing in drag, he is met with opposition from his tough Maori family, the town and a notorious gang who terrorise the locals.

    I guess the only thing missing is what he does next…I’m guessing he overcomes the gang to the benefit of the town bringing acceptance, but that’s just a guess. Your logline should tell me so I don’t need to guess.

    Alternatively:

    A beloved uncle is forced to win back the respect of his tough Maori family, the town and a rival gang after he starts dressing in drag.

    Hope this helped – obviously adapt to what your story is really about.

    Thanks

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  2. Posted: August 5, 2013In:

    When a dysfunctional youth bashes a man on a Sydney beach making away with the victim’s handheld digital camcorder, the youth starts filming a day out in his life until his troubled past begins catching up with him all on camera.

    wilsondownunder Penpusher

    Hi, I can see this working as a short and picture the style. I think the wording is just a bit confusing. The way it reads, it suggests he films things as they happen to him, which I'm guessing the viewer will see snippets of, eg he gets approached, beaten up and it's captured on film maybe. Is theRead more

    Hi,

    I can see this working as a short and picture the style. I think the wording is just a bit confusing. The way it reads, it suggests he films things as they happen to him, which I’m guessing the viewer will see snippets of, eg he gets approached, beaten up and it’s captured on film maybe. Is the film intended to be retrospective (eg someone finds the film).

    Maybe just iron out the wording and you’ll be right.

    When a dysfunctional youth attacks and robs a tourist on Bondi beach for their camcorder, he sets about filming his own demise as his past catches up to him throughout the course of the day.

    Not ideal, just a thought.

    Good luck

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  3. Posted: August 5, 2013In:

    After being framed for the murder of his father, a teen boy growing up in the late 1930's finds comfort in the "Red-Ryder" comic strip. In his adventures he struggles to find his father's murderer, and prove his name is clear.

    wilsondownunder Penpusher

    Hi, Just a few thoughts/questions that spring to mind when reading your logline: Is it the case that he believes he is actually part of this comic strip? As in, does his imagination get the better of him? If he's been framed for murder does that mean he is in prison - in which case - how does he worRead more

    Hi,

    Just a few thoughts/questions that spring to mind when reading your logline:

    Is it the case that he believes he is actually part of this comic strip? As in, does his imagination get the better of him?
    If he’s been framed for murder does that mean he is in prison – in which case – how does he work to solve the case of the real murderer?
    The wording is a tad confusing “in his adventures he struggles to find his fathers murderer, and prove his name clear” – this makes me think he is going on adventures but at the same time that it’s all just in his head, as a character in the comic strips.

    I think the confusion comes in through the disconnect between the boy enjoying the comic and trying to find his fathers murderer. Perhaps if the connection was clear or it was clearer how the comic book aided his journey it would help.

    I hope this makes sense / helps.

    Thanks and good luck

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