Categories: Drama
When her father is imprisoned, an irresponsible 18-year old motherless girl must learn how to support and raise her hyper-intelligent but OCD younger brother.
(24 words)
Awkward, but it seems to me that this is the story hook, and a logline should lead with and focus on the story hook.? By story hook I mean that it is the factor most likely to "hook" a? movie maker's attention, make him want to read the script.
Why do I think it is the story hook?? Because it is simply the more emotionally charged story line.? Two young people must struggle together to survive in a tough world by their own wits.? "Outwit a crime syndicate into negotiating her father's release " -- whatever that means -- seems pale in comparison;? in terms of emotional engagement, I think it's a side show.
In addition, taking care of her brother is the more compatible story line for working out her character arc.? She's describe as "selfish, irresponsible"-- character flaws she will more directly and intensely have to confront and overcome in her relationship with her brother than in any dealings with a crime syndicate. (Come to think about it, what character flaw would she have to overcome to deal with bad guys?)
fwiw
When her father is imprisoned, an irresponsible 18-year old motherless girl must learn how to support and raise her hyper-intelligent but OCD younger brother.
(24 words)
Awkward, but it seems to me that this is the story hook, and a logline should lead with and focus on the story hook.? By story hook I mean that it is the factor most likely to "hook" a? movie maker's attention, make him want to read the script.
Why do I think it is the story hook?? Because it is simply the more emotionally charged story line.? Two young people must struggle together to survive in a tough world by their own wits.? "Outwit a crime syndicate into negotiating her father's release " -- whatever that means -- seems pale in comparison;? in terms of emotional engagement, I think it's a side show.
In addition, taking care of her brother is the more compatible story line for working out her character arc.? She's describe as "selfish, irresponsible"-- character flaws she will more directly and intensely have to confront and overcome in her relationship with her brother than in any dealings with a crime syndicate. (Come to think about it, what character flaw would she have to overcome to deal with bad guys?)
fwiw
I understand that these are flaws that she will overcome, adding a satisfactory character arc, but the real question is this: what are her limiting beliefs that could lead to losing her brother? Certain emotions can create thoughts and beliefs, and certain beliefs can cause certain emotional character flaws.
Maybe she is selfish because she believes that no one else matters nor is worth helping out, because it's a dog eat dog world out there. Maybe she's irresponsible because she believes that things will sort themselves out and that she doesn't need to worry and do anything about it.
An unrelated example: a drug addict would believe that life is too mundane, unpleasant or harsh to deal with without the aid of heroin...until they meet the man/woman of their dreams and realize that they don't need it in their life and that they will lose their love if they don't go clean.
IMHO, its best to stick to one of the flaws you mentioned in your logline. Remember the belief system she would have.? A simpler way of viewing it, is that the character believes a lie, and that by the beginning of the 3rd act, she learns the truth.
Anyway this all my personal opinion.
So what is the appeal of this 18year old? She is both selfish AND irresponsible, what are the positive things about her that don't allow her flaws to undercut her appeal?
After a selfish, irresponsible, 18 year old's father is framed for money laundering and she is given his hyper- intelligent OCD son (11) to look after, she must use limited resources to fool Social Services into believing she is responsible enough to care for the boy to stop them removing him from her care.
Why she is doing it? Write it from their.
Wanting to escape her life a teen negotiates with mobsters to help release her dad from jail so he can care for her special needs brother.
The logline seems to give the protagonist and either/or choice of two possible objective goals.? ?Based on previous iterations of the concept, I'm? guessing you still want to juggle both in the script:? the girl must deceive Social Services while simultaneously springing her father.
But you have to frame the dramatic plot in terms of one-- and only one-- primary objective goal in the logline (and script).
So if her primary objective goal is to maintain custody of her brother, then freeing her father is a complication. If her primary objective goal is to free her father, then the custody of her brother is a complication.
Please note that I'm not saying? you must drop one of the story lines entirely from the script proper.? (Although I myself prefer the child custody story line.)? You just have to decide which one is the more important, the one that embodies your overarching theme, your dramatic purpose.?
Which is...?? What is your story really about?? What is your theme?
