by Leon Davis · Mentor · 895 pts
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Categories: Comedy
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Hello,
I don't get the relation between the parts... jewish, underpants, mafia, transvestites... theese are colorful details but I can't see a pattern, a structure, a solid story.
Distilled to its essence the story seems to be:
When?his father suddenly dies,?an inept son? has 30 days to pay off a stupid but ruthless loan shark or lose the family garment?business-- and his life.
(25 words)
I upped the stakes (lose his life) to increase tension??and inserted a ticking clock (30 days) to increase the urgency.
The transvestite manager is a complication for the story proper but not a requirement for the logline.? (And I'm confused anyway what/why/ how ?the son must "convince" the the TV to relinquish control.)
That the proprietor (past and present) are Jews and the business is underpants are embellishments for the story -- but I don't think essential to the logline.? I dropped "Mafia" from loan shark because?I think it's?safe to??assume that most logline readers understand that?"loan shark"? implies?an organized crime activity.
Distilled to its essence the story seems to be:
When?his father suddenly dies,?an inept son? has 30 days to pay off a stupid but ruthless loan shark or lose the family garment?business-- and his life.
(25 words)
I upped the stakes (lose his life) to increase tension??and inserted a ticking clock (30 days) to increase the urgency.
The transvestite manager is a complication for the story proper but not a requirement for the logline.? (And I'm confused anyway what/why/ how ?the son must "convince" the the TV to relinquish control.)
That the proprietor (past and present) are Jews and the business is underpants are embellishments for the story -- but I don't think essential to the logline.? I dropped "Mafia" from loan shark because?I think it's?safe to??assume that most logline readers understand that?"loan shark"? implies?an organized crime activity.
